My Redeemer Lives!!!

"He lives to take away my shame
And He lives, forever I'll proclaim
That the payment for my sins
Was the precious life He gave
And now He's alive and
There's an empty grave!

And I know
My Redeemer, He lives
I know my Redeemer lives!
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I know my Redeemer lives!!"

(If you don't know the song, check it out: My Redeemer Lives, Nicole Mullen)

This song has been stuck in my head for weeks now. I had the joy of being involved in my church's Easter choir and this song always seemed to be the one that stuck in my head, day and night, even above all of the music I'm learning for classes this semester.

Last Easter, I was baptized and really and truly began the relationship with God that I have now. I first asked Jesus to come in to my heart at the age of 6. I also believe that was real and I can see now how He was beside me my whole life. My story is not necessarily a happy one and my early teenage years were full of anger. I went back and forth between not believing in God and hating Him. When I was 15 years old, God put His servant, Mary, in my life. He used her to very slowly start reminding me of who He is and how much He loves me. Over the next five years, God and I became buddies again and last Easter He called me to take our relationship to the next level and I'm so thankful that I did!

This Easter was overwhelmingly encouraging! I was constantly reminded time and time again how incredible was the sacrifice that Jesus made for me and for my brothers and sisters in Christ. Being part of my church's Easter service meant that I was preparing my heart for Easter for 5 weeks before we celebrated. I prayed for myself, for our leaders, for the people that would be in attendance, and I prayed praises! It seems so simple, but the "preparation prayers," as I call them, really brought my prayer life to a level I hadn't been to before. Never has my heart felt so vulnerable or so passionate, even with my camp ministry experiences. I think I realized through talking with people at choir rehearsals and through being part of a "cardboard testimonies" presentation just how AWESOME our God is and how very blessed we are as a body and how blessed I am as His child. I'm trying very hard to find words to explain my thoughts/feelings, but there just aren't any. This whole process just kept me really focused on Jesus' love and sacrifice and now that Easter is over, I've realized that I should be fixed on Him in the exact same way ALL year long! It's like He's saying to me, "Look how much you've grown to depend on me lately. See how safe and happy you've felt? Keep it up and I'll help you blossom. Rely on me entirely and I will not let you fall. You and I...we've got this. I love you."

This semester has seemed easy to most of the people in my life because I'm not struggling in the outward way that they are used to seeing. I will admit that this semester has been easier than others in a lot of ways, although the school part is absolute madness!  I am safe and I have everything that I need. I have more people that love me than ever before. I have met the most wonderful, encouraging, God-fearing women to help guide me. And I am so thankful to have some of the best friends a girl could ask for. We may not talk every day or even every week, but when we do hang out, it's just fantastic and I know they would be there for me in a heartbeat, as I would be for them. Cutting is not nearly the struggle that it once was; in fact, we're nearing 7 months of freedom! I think that the struggle has shifted- it's all in my head, though some might argue that it's been in my head all along. Spring is hard for so many "identifiable reasons" and finishing this semester will be the way to conquer the mental battle. And every year it brings tremendous pain and turmoil.

This April 11th will be different. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it out alive just yet, but I'm sure I'll blog about it when I do. :)

Be still,
Ashley Anne

Peace.

So, right now I am in one of my "academic marathons," which probably means I shouldn't be blogging. Things should lighten up a tad by Wednesday afternoon, but I don't want to wait that long! ;)

I pulled an all-nighter last night and I had rough classes today. Early morning rehearsal. Exams. Lots of papers due. Frustrating teachers. Frustrating classmates. You know how "those days" go. By about 3:30 pm, I had 6 classes down and one more to go, but it was canceled. I immediately felt a meltdown coming on. I've really been fighting a lot of things this semester and I was just slapped by all of it in the face at once. My first instinct was to go home and cry, but I knew that was the worst idea and what the enemy wanted me to do. My next reaction was to call somebody because I knew I had already escalated past my distraction tool box (my set of coping skills, basically). I called one of my beloved mentors, but she did not pick up. I sat there for a second but before I started thinking about someone else to call, God stepped in and calmed me down. It was a very cool moment. I went and sat outside in the sunshine on a grassy hill on campus and simply existed for a few moments. I just reveled in the peace and protection of Jesus sitting beside me, watching campus bustle on.

I got it together and went back to my little paper-writing, music-doing marathon. A little while ago, I decided to jump in the shower before heading back to the library. The moment I stepped out of the shower, I felt the same overwhelming sense of panic, fear, and doom that I had felt earlier today. (This is not a new thing...it's what I've been fighting lately, actually.) Then I heard/felt a nudge saying, "Go to My Word." So I opened up my Bible and saw a sticky note that said Psalm 63. I don't remember writing it and who knows how long it's been there. I figured that was as good a place as any to start, so I turned to Psalm 63 and found complete comfort.


"...Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you...Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. They who seek my life will be destroyed; they will go down to the depths of the earth..."

Thank you, Lord, for looking out for me. Thank you for honoring the work I'm doing in seeking you by faithfully revealing yourself. Thank you for reminding me to turn to you when I get caught up in the craziness of life. Thank you for rescuing me. Thank you for the work you're doing in transforming my heart and my life into what you have planned. Thank you for the peace you showed me today. Thank you for your love and for your ultimate sacrifice.

He is good, y'all! And He is faithful. He can bring peace like you've never felt before. Seek Him and be still. :)

Ashley Anne