"Here, all the lilacs die.
Here, the songs of the birds are short.
I dream of summers that last forever.
Here, the lips lightly touch,
but they have lost their sweetness.
I dream of kisses that last forever.
Here, every man weeps over a lost friend or lover.
I dream of lovers that last forever.
Lovers that last forever...
That last...forever."
The pitches are in my memory. My rhythm is fine. I know all of the words and pronounce them correctly. I got a little pat on the back for being "correct" but today I was pushed; I was challenged to "deeply feel" the song. For my teacher, feeling the music is her source of expressive inspiration. For me, I have to relate to text. I need to feel what I am singing about. The poem and the music are both beautiful, but today I had to think of how on earth I was going to relate to the author. I tried to think of a time when I felt like I was in a different world, a sad world...
I thought back to when I was 16 and placed in foster care. The judge put me on house arrest, not as a punishment, but to protect me. I felt cheated! It was unfair that I was being isolated in the middle of nowhere when I didn't do anything wrong! I couldn't go to school when school was my personal sanctuary (I had all of my work sent to me..."home bound" they called it). I had always believed that education would be my ticket to "overcome my raising" and "break the cycle" and all that jazz. The point is, I wanted a different life and I worked my booty off at school because, early on, I realized it was the key! And that goal kept me focused and grounded. But now, my whole world had come crashing down and I had nothing to do but spend my days sitting by this little creek in the woods. I admit, it was gorgeous!! But I felt like I think the author of this poem might have felt. In this world, everything that was once good has now been lost. Everything is shriveled and hopeless. And I, being stuck there, experienced this sadness all the time. However, I dreamt of a day when hope would be restored. I dreamt of a day when life would turn beautiful again.
You know what? Today I have the joy of singing this song and thinking back on the time when I felt that way to draw my inspiration. Yes, I have to think BACKWARDS! I have taken many steps forwards (and backwards) since sitting along that creek 6 years ago, but today it hit me: God is SO incredibly faithful! I am finally in my senior year of college! I am almost done, y'all! I am pursuing my passion and I love every minute of it! I am happy and healthy, a big feat! My bi-polar disorder is very well managed at this point (without the zombie drugs!) and I am just 15 days shy of being cut-free for an entire year! I have several healthy and encouraging relationships with the greatest mentors, friends, and the sweetest boyfriend a girl could ask for. But most importantly, my walk with my heavenly Father is stronger than it's ever been and it's only His strength that has brought me this far. He is the one who has restored my hope. I feel like a completely different person, many people have made comments about how "different" I am, and today I realized it's because I am a completely different person. And for that, I just wanted to give God a great big shout out and a great big thank you. He is SO good, y'all. So good. Those dreams hidden within a scared and hurting teenager are well on their way to being fulfilled. I have to actually look backwards to find those hopeless feelings that used to be so prevalent ALL the time. Wow. Wow, wow, WOW.
Be still,
Ashley Anne :)
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