I have recently spent some time reading in Jeremiah 29. If you caught my previous post, I was specifically focused on verse 11: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God revealed this to me: I am a huge planner. I meticulously plan every detail of my life; it makes me feel secure and in control. Even though I feel like my life is forever off-track, things are always rolling along according to God's even better plan.
My heart is wonderfully encouraged by this, and yet, I'm wrestling with it. Like I said, I am such a planner because it makes me feel secure; I need to be in control. However, as I mentioned last time, God's plan is not my plan. (Isaiah 55:8) If I want to follow Him and the wonderful things He has in store for me, then I've got to let go of my plans, let go of my constant need for control.
Hold up right there!! To let go of my control means I have to trust someone else enough to let them be in charge. Yikes. I have trust issues; I'll just put that out in the open. I was hurt in so many ways as a child by the people I was supposed to be able to trust and rely on more than anyone else in the world. Parents are supposed to be safe, open, and loving, but mine were not. For a long time, I didn't open up to or trust anybody or anything. It was me, myself, and I. Eventually, I started to trust people more freely, perhaps too freely. Again, I was deceived and torn down. Somehow, this betrayal hurt even more than my childhood wounds. Now I am working on knowing when and whom and how much to trust. I'm always a work in progress. :)
Through these waves of trust and mistrust, I have struggled with completely trusting God with my heart and my life, even though, logically, I knew I wanted to. God knows I'm a stubborn girl and He has proven Himself to me over and over and over again, each time coming as a reminder of His faithfulness just as I begin to sink in doubt. Yet, I still haven't given Him my entire heart...
This semester could be a landmark semester for me. I have never completed a spring semester. I fall apart mid-term and I end up dropping out. I have a theory as to why that is and this spring I am determined to overcome! But, I can't face it alone. I have failed so many times trying to succeed on my own, failure to the point of being completely shattered. God always ends up picking up the pieces and putting me back together, so why not just give Him the reigns in the first place? Rather than being intimidated by the idea of someone else being in charge of my life, I am actually finding comfort in the fact that someone much more wise than myself loves me enough to want to lead my steps. I'm exhausted from trying to do it all alone and God is saying, "Hey, I'm here. Remember me? Fall back and I'll catch you. Be still and listen to me. I will not lead you astray." (Exodus 14:14, Proverbs 3:5-6)
I give in. I am tired of fighting and I want MY shepherd to lead me. But, God, I've been such a mistrusting control freak for so long, how do I even go about giving You the control?
So I continued reading...
"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:12-14a
This logical brain of mine could not have asked for more clear instructions:
Come to me and pray to me. Seek me with all your heart.
I have a mentor who tells me on a daily basis, "Pray about it. God wants you to go to Him." I do it, but I am often just going through the motions. I'm not really praying from my heart because somewhere in the back of my mind I am thinking, "Why am I doing this? God doesn't really hear me. And even if I do trust Him, I can't be fixed...again."
But this broken heart of mine could not have asked for more comforting promises.
I will listen to you.
I will be found by you.
I will bring you back from captivity.
Trust is not something that develops overnight. It takes time to trust someone with your heart. It takes a relationship to trust someone enough to let them lead your life. I thank God every day that He never gives up on me in my moments of weakness. I'm so thankful that He knows the desire I have to know Him in my heart and that He is continually revealing Himself to me. I pray that when I start to doubt His instructions to call upon Him and seek Him wholeheartedly, I will remember that He wants to listen to me. He wants to be found by me. He wants to bring me back from captivity. He loves me that much. He knows that I will stumble, He knows that I will doubt, but He is faithful. And through this, I'm learning to trust in His better plan.
Be Still,
Ashley Anne
More verses for encouragement:
Job 42:2
Proverbs 19:21
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