Feeling a little flat...

Lately, I've been feeling a little bit like this flat tire I got a couple of weeks ago. Okay, I'm feeling a lot flat. I am exhausted. It's not that my life is bad; my life is actually going really well, all things considered, and I am so incredibly grateful. It's just that I hardly have time to breathe these days. I have so much stinking homework and music things to do that I can't keep up with all of it, no matter how hard I try. I'm doing well with time management, I've forfeited just about every ounce of social life and relationships I had before this semester, I hardly sleep because I'm consistently pulling all-nighters, my apartment hadn't been cleaned in three weeks before this evening and that was driving me nuts! I'm in class all day three days a week and almost all day the other two days. Then homework, practicing, etc. and my classes are more challenging and more time consuming than ever. I've been traveling for music stuff, kind of brought upon myself, it's true, but they were wonderful experiences. I'm trying to succeed in school while dealing with some pretty tough mental/emotional battles and that makes focusing a lot harder sometimes. Well, I think you get the picture so I shall move on and stop obsessing.

I came across this passage in my reading. Often times I come across passages I've heard and read a hundred times, but I suddenly see it in a new light. This applies here:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

Now, when I really starting thinking about these verses I realized that I had no idea what 29-30 meant. Internet research revealed a lot of different opinions and interpretations. I have kind of settled upon this as my understanding: One type of yoke is something that binds two animals together to pull or carry the same load. I think it's called a double yoke. Perhaps in this passage, Jesus is welcoming us under His double yoke so He can be beside us, so that we will bind ourselves to Him; He's offering us support so we never have to carry a heavy load on our own, and that can certainly give rest to the weary.


Sometimes I forget that Jesus really understands feeling tired and weary. He understands hurt and struggle. Goodness, He lived life here and dealt with so much. He really can help us.

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who in every respect has been tested as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)

His strength is not like any of my own strength. His strength never fails. Never has and never will. He is constant and everlasting. And that blows my mind. :)

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:28-31)

So now I shall get back to the absolute craziness of these few weeks. I pray that God will help me to continually strive to rely on God's strength, not my own, and to trust Him to help me with my burdens. I know that He is faithful.

"My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14)

Be still,

Ashley Anne

Growing Pains and the Blessing of Family

I woke up this morning crying, which is not unusual, but this morning I knew exactly why: my family is gone.

Well, "gone" might be a little dramatic. As I'm writing, they are in the process of moving 14 hours away. It's not the end of the world, I know, and it will be good for them, I know, but that doesn't make it less painful.

I picked up on some hints over Christmas, but I've known about the "for sure" moving plans for a month now. I've cried some, I knew what was coming, but nothing could have prepared me for how it feels knowing that they are really not just a 45 minute drive away, or even a two hour drive away like it was when we first  met.

One of the awesome women in my life put it this way, "Lots of people are in college away from their families. Just pretend like you moved away from them for school. There are cars that drive to Colorado. There are planes that fly to Colorado. It's a good reason to go visit a new state."

It really shouldn't be a big deal. Life changes. Relationships change. And I know I will get over it. It's just that I didn't have 18 years with my family before I grew up and moved to college as in the scenario described above. Shoot, they're not even my real family; in fact, I'm still not really sure how I fit in there. It's a super awkward situation if you look at it from the outside. Lol! And I don't know if that makes this easier or harder.

My "mom" is really only old enough to be my big sister, but she has taught me more about being an adult than anyone. She's also taught me the most about real love. She's loved me at my very best and at my absolute worst. She's been known to smack me around when needed. A bit of tough love, if you will. I will never understand why she took a liking to me, but every day I thank God that she did. :)

Her husband is the first man I ever felt comfortable around and I think he's the only man that I will always trust to never hurt me. He's exemplified what a husband and a father should be. I respect him completely. I want to find a man like John someday.

Their parents are great. Watching such great grandparents just makes my heart glow.

I even kind of like Fender. And I don't like dogs.

And my little munchkins...it's so ironic that I think of them that way.
It's amazing just how much three precious, little hearts can change you so much.

Berkley is quite possibly the cutest child ever created. She's so happy and she just makes me smile. Before she could really talk, she would make really excited noises when she saw me. Now when she sees me and says my name, it's usually accompanied by a "hol' me." And I never want to put her down. She's ok with that unless it's time to paint nails, follow the leader, pat our babies or play dogs; I'm going to miss playing fetch with Lionel, Lola, and AJ.

Ellie is my girl! Every time I see her, she drops what she's doing and gives me a super long hug. Talk about feeling special! One of Ellie's scrunchy-nose faces makes the worst week seem like paradise. I love when we wear matching bows. We've always had some sort of special bond, though I'm still not sure why. Watching her ride her first bike recently was super cool. She's really good. I remember when she was still learning to say "wa-wa." (water)

Titan is a big boy now and I'm lucky if I get a "Hey, Ashley" between video game levels when I come over. He may not be into hello or goodbye hugs and kisses like the girls are, but I still find him sitting in my lap almost as much as the girls while we're just hanging out and playing. He's so smart and he's reading so well now. I remember when he just wanted me to sit and read to him as many books as he wanted. It wasn't so bad until he figured out that you were skipping pages during the really long books. Haha. Smart cookie.

It's going to be weird not seeing them grow up like I've had the joy of doing over the last 2 1/2 years. It's going to be different now that I don't have Berkley kisses to look forward to or Ellie stories to listen to or a math quizzing from Titan to look forward to after a bad week.

Why am I posting this? I'm not really sure.

The original post was much, MUCH longer with excessive amounts of anecdotes. There have been so many particular moments with the fam that have really stuck with me or taught me something, so this blog was kind of a reflection for me as our relationships evolve with this move.  My heart may be hurting just a bit, but "family" doesn't just dissolve through time and space. I'm going to love them just as much and I don't think those kiddos will forget me...I hope.

Right now I can thank God that I have such a sweet family now. He must be making up for my first one. ;)
He must love me a whole lot to send me a God-fearing husband and wife to model the future and the family  He wants for me. He wants me to break the cycle in which I grew up, I know that is part of His plan for me, but how would I do so if I had never seen anything different? God must love me a whole lot to give three precious gifts some extra room in their heart to love the "Ashley Anne" in their family and to teach her what love really feels like. (That's what Titan said one time...I have a mom, dad, two sisters, and an Ashley.)

And, as hard as it is, I can thank Him for loving me enough to push me into becoming more independent, in terms of the world, and more dependent on Him at the same time, while He moves my family on to the plans He has for them.

I know that this move is not about me at all, but I also know that God is powerful enough to consider everyone in every detail of His planning and this is just what the move means for me- more growing pains. I can't imagine what it's like in their shoes right now, nor do I have any clue where God is leading them, but He's in charge here and they believe that, too.

So, to my family: I'm praying that you guys have a safe trip and that you get settled in as quickly and as easily as can be expected. I love you very, very much and I miss you!! I guess this means that my NYC change jar will become a "see the family for Christmas" change jar. I've never been to CO before. :)

Ashley Anne

His compassions never fail.

This week I ended up dropping a class. I dropped the bomb on a whole day of classes on Wednesday. I quit my training for the half-marathon. This week I also rocked two exams and completed several projects. I've had a lot of productive practice time. I've had a few positive social encounters, which for me is a big deal. You win some, you lose some. I hate the "losing" days. I feel like a complete failure and eventually my mind spins out of control replaying the failures from my entire life. A lot of those failures make me feel terrible because they were definitely not made with a heart striving to glorify God. In those moments, my heart is distracted by something else. I eventually get my head on straight and try to re-focus my heart, but I stray away everyday. I don't always have catastrophic failures, but I do fail in some way everyday.

I have a "mirror verse" that I change periodically, just as something to see and ponder every morning while I'm getting ready for the day and something to reflect on as I'm getting ready for bed. Right now, the mirror verses are Lamentations 3: 21-24 (NIV):

Yet this I call to mind
   and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.” 

I just love every word in this passage.  It has been so encouraging to my heart lately.


God's mercies are new every morning. He is faithful and His love never fails. In this, I find hope and reassurance.

The other night, while I was recovering from a "losing" day, I realized that God's mercies are new every morning because He wants to provide new compassions every morning. He doesn't have to renew His mercy and love every day. He is God and He can do whatever He pleases, you know? He chooses to forgive me and love me anew on a daily basis because He knows that I need it. He knows that I am going to fail everyday. He knows that I am going to stray from Him in some way. He knows that I am only human. After all, He made me. And He chooses to be faithful -every day- even though I do not deserve it. He loves me despite my failures. And that blows my mind. :)

Therefore, it's not a failure to rely on His new mercies every day. That doesn't make me a failure as a Christian or as a person. If anything, it makes me stronger. That's what He wants from me. He wants me to realize that I need Him every day and to depend on Him and seek Him on the "winning" and the "losing" days. 

I hope that this realization will help me when I'm trying to re-fix my eyes on Jesus after feeling like a total failure. It's not a free pass to ignore God, of course, or take His love for granted, but maybe I will not be so dang hard on myself. Maybe I will stop dwelling on my mistakes, but learn from them and continue to redirect and strive to glorify God in all I do. He deserves to be glorified. After all, this life I'm living is really His, not mine.

Be Still,
Ashley Anne