I woke up this morning crying, which is not unusual, but this morning I knew exactly why: my family is gone.
Well, "gone" might be a little dramatic. As I'm writing, they are in the process of moving 14 hours away. It's not the end of the world, I know, and it will be good for them, I know, but that doesn't make it less painful.
I picked up on some hints over Christmas, but I've known about the "for sure" moving plans for a month now. I've cried some, I knew what was coming, but nothing could have prepared me for how it feels knowing that they are really not just a 45 minute drive away, or even a two hour drive away like it was when we first met.
One of the awesome women in my life put it this way, "Lots of people are in college away from their families. Just pretend like you moved away from them for school. There are cars that drive to Colorado. There are planes that fly to Colorado. It's a good reason to go visit a new state."
It really shouldn't be a big deal. Life changes. Relationships change. And I know I will get over it. It's just that I didn't have 18 years with my family before I grew up and moved to college as in the scenario described above. Shoot, they're not even my real family; in fact, I'm still not really sure how I fit in there. It's a super awkward situation if you look at it from the outside. Lol! And I don't know if that makes this easier or harder.
My "mom" is really only old enough to be my big sister, but she has taught me more about being an adult than anyone. She's also taught me the most about real love. She's loved me at my very best and at my absolute worst. She's been known to smack me around when needed. A bit of tough love, if you will. I will never understand why she took a liking to me, but every day I thank God that she did. :)
Her husband is the first man I ever felt comfortable around and I think he's the only man that I will always trust to never hurt me. He's exemplified what a husband and a father should be. I respect him completely. I want to find a man like John someday.
Their parents are great. Watching such great grandparents just makes my heart glow.
I even kind of like Fender. And I don't like dogs.
And my little munchkins...it's so ironic that I think of them that way.
It's amazing just how much three precious, little hearts can change you so much.
Berkley is quite possibly the cutest child ever created. She's so happy and she just makes me smile. Before she could really talk, she would make really excited noises when she saw me. Now when she sees me and says my name, it's usually accompanied by a "hol' me." And I never want to put her down. She's ok with that unless it's time to paint nails, follow the leader, pat our babies or play dogs; I'm going to miss playing fetch with Lionel, Lola, and AJ.
Ellie is my girl! Every time I see her, she drops what she's doing and gives me a super long hug. Talk about feeling special! One of Ellie's scrunchy-nose faces makes the worst week seem like paradise. I love when we wear matching bows. We've always had some sort of special bond, though I'm still not sure why. Watching her ride her first bike recently was super cool. She's really good. I remember when she was still learning to say "wa-wa." (water)
Titan is a big boy now and I'm lucky if I get a "Hey, Ashley" between video game levels when I come over. He may not be into hello or goodbye hugs and kisses like the girls are, but I still find him sitting in my lap almost as much as the girls while we're just hanging out and playing. He's so smart and he's reading so well now. I remember when he just wanted me to sit and read to him as many books as he wanted. It wasn't so bad until he figured out that you were skipping pages during the really long books. Haha. Smart cookie.
It's going to be weird not seeing them grow up like I've had the joy of doing over the last 2 1/2 years. It's going to be different now that I don't have Berkley kisses to look forward to or Ellie stories to listen to or a math quizzing from Titan to look forward to after a bad week.
Why am I posting this? I'm not really sure.
The original post was much, MUCH longer with excessive amounts of anecdotes. There have been so many particular moments with the fam that have really stuck with me or taught me something, so this blog was kind of a reflection for me as our relationships evolve with this move. My heart may be hurting just a bit, but "family" doesn't just dissolve through time and space. I'm going to love them just as much and I don't think those kiddos will forget me...I hope.
Right now I can thank God that I have such a sweet family now. He must be making up for my first one. ;)
He must love me a whole lot to send me a God-fearing husband and wife to model the future and the family He wants for me. He wants me to break the cycle in which I grew up, I know that is part of His plan for me, but how would I do so if I had never seen anything different? God must love me a whole lot to give three precious gifts some extra room in their heart to love the "Ashley Anne" in their family and to teach her what love really feels like. (That's what Titan said one time...I have a mom, dad, two sisters, and an Ashley.)
And, as hard as it is, I can thank Him for loving me enough to push me into becoming more independent, in terms of the world, and more dependent on Him at the same time, while He moves my family on to the plans He has for them.
I know that this move is not about me at all, but I also know that God is powerful enough to consider everyone in every detail of His planning and this is just what the move means for me- more growing pains. I can't imagine what it's like in their shoes right now, nor do I have any clue where God is leading them, but He's in charge here and they believe that, too.
So, to my family: I'm praying that you guys have a safe trip and that you get settled in as quickly and as easily as can be expected. I love you very, very much and I miss you!! I guess this means that my NYC change jar will become a "see the family for Christmas" change jar. I've never been to CO before. :)
Ashley Anne
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