Thanksgiving

I hate holidays.
But that may be changing.

I don't know why I despise the holiday season as much as I do. I can't decide if I'm bitter, angry, sad, or some mixture of these emotions and more.

Last Thanksgiving I didn't do anything. I stayed alone in my apartment most of the day and went to see the new Twilight movie by myself. That was my day. And before you start thinking, "Poor girl," I should tell you that I had an offer of somewhere to go, I was just being a butthead.

I was tired of doing something different every year with different groups of people that I didn't really know, jumping on any offer to join in on another family's festivities.  I was tired of feeling like an outcast and being the odd girl that was there because some mama in the hosting family felt sorry for me. I hated feeling the panic of being in a new (and often large) social setting (which happens to me on normal days, not just holidays) and I hated the emotions it brought up. I was angry that my parents, especially my mother, were craptastic people who made bad decisions and ruined my life. I was sad because I missed my Granny (who passed away when I was twelve), my siblings, etc. I was mad at myself because I even missed my mom. I was bitter and afraid that I may never have the family and the traditions that my heart so desired. So, I decided to abandon the holidays all together until I could have that stability.

This year, I see potential in the holidays. I see beauty in everything. I was at the square on the night they launched the Christmas lights and it was a little magical wonderland with carriage rides, hot chocolate, and musicians on every corner; last year I would've just complained about being cold or something. I noticed the trees changing this year and the leaves blowing around make me feel like Mary Poppins or something; last year I would've just complained about hating fall. I'm putting up my baby tree tomorrow! I didn't put out any of my decorations last year. My outlook is only a reflection of my new healthy mentality and my closer walk with God. He doesn't want me to be miserable. Anyway...

This year, I had six offers for Thanksgiving. My initial plans were very exciting. I was going with my boyfriend to meet his extended family on a not-so-big holiday (as compared to Christmas) and I was stoked! Most of my excitement came from the fact that I was so in love and wanted to meet his family, but a little part of me was super excited because I really thought that this might be the year I find my family and traditions to be a part of. I wanted to marry this boy and I was lost in future la-la land.

Then, the boy and I broke up. It has been devastating. I made the call but I didn't want to, so it hurts. I was then faced with the thought of Thanksgiving again. Should I take a different offer and, if so, which one? Should I just be a grouch again and stay home studying? I decided to go with one of my SG mentors. She was hosting her family's Thanksgiving at her house. I'm comfortable there and I have spent a little bit of time with almost everyone who came, so I figured it was my safest bet.

Guess what? I had a BLAST! For the first time maybe ever, I didn't have any feelings of panic today. I didn't want to run out the door at any point in time. I never once felt super awkward or out of place. It was a chilled-out day full of laughter, good food, movies and games. I was included in the very intense Fantasy Rock-Paper-Scissors Tournament and I won.

I learned today that it's ok to join in holiday fun, even though my holidays may not be as stable and traditional as I would like. Perhaps one day, I will be the matriarch of my own family and I will get to provide that for everyone else. For now, maybe God's showing me lots of different traditions so I can make informed decisions when my turn comes.

And I believe it's coming! All of these desires in my heart are not random. I believe now that God has a beautiful future for me that includes my very own HEALTHY family. I still hope that that particular ex-boyfriend gets his act together, but even if he and I don't work out, that relationship taught me that there are men out there who will accept my baggage and love me for the person I am now.

These past few holiday seasons have just been life-changing. I've seen how normal, healthy families function. I've seen some pretty cool traditions. I've felt love. I've laughed a lot. I've realized that all of that really can be mine someday. Now I'm just waiting for God to reveal my perfect Prince Charming. :)

Enjoy this holiday season and don't forget to take some time to Be Still,

Ashley Anne