Father's Day

I used to ignore Mother's Day and Father's Day. At first I would hide all day on these occasions. I wouldn't leave my dorm room, wouldn't get on social media, nothing. I would hide from the pain I just knew I would experience if I acknowledged these holidays even existed. I eventually got over my hiding phase and just decided to live my life as if I was living any other Sunday in May/June. I would ignore the fact that everyone else was acknowledging these special occasions. Then God placed some ridiculously awesome women in my life and as I grew closer to them, I built what I like to call my "pack of mamas." I have four women I am blessed to call my "core mamas." These brave women have seen me through some of my darkest days, and I think they're going to stick around for the sunshine that's coming (it's already peeking through the clouds!). I also have plenty of "peripheral mamas" who I may not be as close to, but they have influenced me in ways they may never fully know. Over time, I began to acknowledge my new mama influences on Mother's Day and have done so for a few years now.

Everyone knows that I have hardcore "mommy issues" but not many know about my "daddy issues" because I don't like to talk about them. Someone actually told me once they felt my mother damaged me more than my father, but I honestly don't know which one I hate the most. (Yeah, I'm still working on that whole forgiveness thing...) As a woman, I've related to all these mamas much more than I've ever related to any man. However, my life has changed this past year: I've started having serious romantic relationships and that's a scary thing for a girl with my past!

I was brought up with poor male role models (that's being generous) and I was taught from the female side to have very low expectations and self-esteem. My teenage years came with a lot of bad boyfriends because of it. Then I decided to clean up my life and to do so, I temporarily stopped dating. This past year, I've been blessed to get to know two really great guys. I had a pretty serious relationship with one and I fell hard and fast for the other (but not at the same time!). Although these relationships "ended" (we're still friends), they were generally positive and healthy romantic relationships.

I think my view on men/relationships changed and my expectations were raised because through the years, God has put some ridiculously awesome men in my life as well. Some of my female mentors and role models are married to equally awesome dudes! These men have taught me things through example when they probably didn't even realize I was intently observing them. These men have shown me what it means to be Godly men, husbands, and fathers, both within their homes and in the public eye. To you, I say thank you. Thank you for teaching me that daughters are precious treasures to be cherished, held, and loved. Thank you for teaching me that wives are to be respected and adored. Thank you for showing me that there are men like you out there and that I should hold out for the man I deserve, the man God has designed especially to fill my dreams. Happy Father's Day!!! You deserve the acknowledgement.

The Power of the Cross

Have you ever been driving down the road, listening to some wholesome radio, and a song comes on that just moves you to tears? That happened to me today with a song called The Power of the Cross. I won't even try to explain it, just listen to it and I bet the words will touch you the same and you'll see what I mean.

Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.

This, the pow'r of the cross:
Christ became sin for us;
Took the blame, bore the wrath-
We stand forgiven at the cross.

Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face,
Bearing the awesome weight of sin.
Ev'ry bitter thought,
Ev'ry evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow. 

Now the daylight flees;
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
"Finished!" the vict'ry cry. 

Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death;
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.

This, the pow'r of the cross:
Son of God-slain for us.
What a love! What a cost! 
We stand forgiven at the cross.

This time two years ago, I was overwhelmed with the Holy Spirit at a night-before Easter service. I rededicated my life to Jesus Christ and made the decision to be baptized as an adult. Standing in the baptismal prep area, I remember one of the pastors cautioning the lot of us who had been touched to take this step to heart, to make it not just an "Easter miracle" but something that lasts the rest of our lives. What happened to me that night was genuine, and boy what a difference it has made in my life!

Now, I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 6 years old. Some people laugh at that, but I still vividly remember that day and I know that it, too, was genuine. When I look back at my life, I can see clear moments when God was obviously walking beside me, protecting me. My life has been a bit...chaotic, if you will. A lot of hurt has left me with more than my fair share of scars. As a young adult, I still claimed Christ and I tried to be a "good Christian", but I honestly didn't know who He was in my heart, nor did I understand His immense love for me.

2 years ago, I had just dropped out of college, and not for the first time. I was greatly suffering from the effects of severe Bipolar Disorder and Psychosis mixed with an addiction to cutting. The few supportive people in my life were at their wit's end and didn't know what to do. I was scared by what was happening to me, I felt alone, and I was probably the biggest mess you've ever seen. If I hadn't found a ministry home for girls like me, I very likely would have been homeless. I was completely and 100% broken and at rock bottom.

Because of JESUS CHRIST, I can honestly say that I don't even recognize that girl today. She seems like a distant memory. The last two years have brought total healing. I am a happy, healthy, and whole person. I'm back in school and doing very well, if I may say so myself. I have been off medications for over a year and have been cut-free for 18 months. I still have life struggles and I am still dealing with the cards I've been dealt, but I no longer feel like I'm drowning. I HAVE HOPE and that hope comes from no one but my GOD! Once I opened my adult heart, Jesus walked in and made me feel like that loved 6-year-old again. It is hard to explain, but it's like I met a totally new Jesus and the more I get to know Him, the stronger I become. 

Oh to see my name written in the wound 
For through Your suf‘fring I am free 
Death is crushed to death, life is mine to live 
Won through Your selfless love 

This Easter, I'm thinking about the power of the cross. MY NAME was written in His wound. He took the death that was suffocating me and crushed it. He has given me a life to live for Him. I can't even begin to explain the emotions that flood over me when I think about the redemption I've experienced the last couple of years. The only word is LOVE. Deep, pure, selfless love. Christ died for YOU and me, and He brings redemption to even the most broken of us. To HIM be the power, the honor, and the glory FOREVER.

Stand forgiven at the cross this Easter. He's waiting for you.

Be Still,

Ashley Anne

Turn on the Prayer

Being a music major taking 10 classes plus rehearsals and recitals galore, combined with practice, homework, and study time, teaching lessons, maintaining personal relationships, interning at a church, exercising, and, of course, being a responsible adult with never-ending paperwork, bills, and to-do lists, my life gets ridiculously busy. Like, ridiculously. I know that several of you can understand. We live in a society that is constantly on the go and is moving faster each day. In a world of constant communication via all of our technological "advances" and devices, I sometimes forget where the most important communication should be: with our Creator and Father. I regretfully admit that sometimes I turn on my electronic devices more than I do the prayer line.

A couple of weeks ago, I was still about an hour out coming home from a mini road-trip when my phone died. Terrible timing if something would've happened, but good timing because I was held captive in my car with no phone and no radio. After trying to think through my scrambled thoughts a bit, I decided to just start singing some praises, alone in my car. But then I realized I wasn't alone; the One I was praising was right there with me. It occurred to me that when I get so caught up in today's world, with our day-to-day business and our technology, I do not acknowledge the true magnificence of the Holy Spirit that walks beside me through it all, even when I fail to notice His presence.

Last week I had trouble with my computer and it ended up in the shop at what I thought was the most awful time. You see, I had my first music history test of the semester (which is a grueling big deal) and I needed my computer for looking at my notes, listening to the examples, etc. I also had no idea how to get my computer to and from the shop 45 minutes away (and that's without any traffic) because of my hectic schedule.

*God enters stage right*

He took care of me! He used the people that He has placed in my life to help me get my computer fixed. In the meantime, He reminded me to utilize the library at my school for studying, which actually kept me more focused; I even made a 100% on the test!

At nights without my "sounds of nature" Youtube video to help me fall asleep, I spent more time than usual talking to God instead. I decided to listen more, too, and He sang me to sleep- no joke! 

I tell you these two anecdotes to say this: while our technology has many benefits, don't become so dependent on it that it interferes with your quality time with God. Don't forget that God is your friend without Facebook, He follows you without a Twitter, he sees your life without Instagram, He knows your thoughts without Blogspot. ;) While we live our busy lives, don't forget that it is all for His glory and His plan and don't forget that He loves YOU! 

Be Still,

Ashley Anne

New Year's, again!

Sometimes, disappointment can lead to deeper understanding. Other times, it may lead to a New Year's Resolution.

The first thing you should know about me is that I am a hopeless romantic and a dreamer, and combined it is a deadly weapon to any man attempting to earn my heart.

This New Year's would be my first midnight kiss if my boyfriend and I ended up in the same place. He had to be at home 2ish hours away, and I understood that, so I drove down on New Year's Eve. After spending the afternoon and evening with his family, we had 45 minutes until midnight. His brother took us to a close gas station for late night munchies and drinks and we came back. With about ten minutes to go, they decide to stay out for a smoke while I came in to get warm.

I really hate the smoking- the smell, the taste when he kisses me, the things its doing to his body, how that may impact our future, etc. and he knows it. I came in thinking, why couldn't they wait just ten more minutes? He said he'd come in early enough to clean up to kiss me. I doubted that, but let it go, naively wanting to believe him.

Now I had envisioned us doing the whole countdown thing, watching the ball drop, and having that perfect romantic kiss to end one year and begin another. The moment you see in movies, right?

Wrong. We couldn't watch the ball drop this year so we were just hanging out watching our cell phones for midnight. The final moments of 2012 were not spent smiling and counting down with excitement, but in anger and disappointment and hurt as I watched my boyfriend at the sink cleaning his mouth until the last second (even seconds after the clock turned). While I am certainly glad he did not kiss me with cigarette mouth, it was not the moment I had imagined. I felt hurt that he didn't care as much about the moment as I did. I felt hurt that he "didn't think about it." I was disappointed in myself for setting up these romantic notions in my head. That's not real life. The sappy girl in me thought, "Oh well. Let it go" and hoped, "Maybe next year."

Then it occurred to me: what if there is no next year?

What if something should happen to me, or him, or our relationship? What if other things in our lives and situations change?

And then, I FINALLY came up with my 2013 resolution.

Last year, I decided to "Be Still" more and spend more time with God. I made the effort and it has changed my life. This year, I plan to continue that relationship AND invest more in my other relationships. Live in the here and now and make the most of every single moment. Stop worrying about being so perfect and so uptight all the time. Stop working so dang hard. LOL. What if there's not another chance?

I know it sounds cliche, but it's ringing in my head and, hopefully, by this time next year, my heart.

Be still, 

Ashley Anne

PS- Checkout these CATS acting out the most common New Year's resolution. Number 5 looks familiar. ;)