Why I stopped saying, "Finally..."

In one week, I will graduate from college after a long and trying journey. It took me six years, one university transfer, two complete withdrawals for hospital stays, two changes in major, and one big change of heart to finally make it. I used to joke, "Well, it's about time!" and even considered putting that on my mortar board for the big day. Well, I've decided to stop saying "Finally..." like it's a bad thing, worthy of discrediting my achievement. I've decided that those 6 years and every obstacle has changed me in a way for the better and turned me in to the loving and awesome teacher I'm about to become. Those six years are my journey to own, not to make me feel bad. Let me tell you about that journey and the loving God who got me through it.

In the sixth grade, I was selected to participate in a school program where we took the ACT College Entrance Exam and I'm still not really sure why. I remember it very clearly. They prepped us a bit by talking about the overall testing experience, but we never received practice on the material. I will never forget when my teacher told me that as a sixth-grader, I had scored higher than the average high school graduate with a composite 19. I had never even studied geometry or algebra or calculus. I certainly couldn't read at a twelfth-grade level quite yet. However, I had a good head on my shoulders and I had excellent reasoning skills. I could apply the bits I did know and I did well. It was at that moment that I decided to go to college. I'd always known that I was different from the rest of my family. By sixth grade, my home life was a complete mess, but I will save that story for another day. I knew I was different and I wanted something else for my life. I only knew what I had seen and lived, but in my soul I always knew it wasn't right. My life was not the way things were supposed to be. I had always loved school and my teachers, but that day, I realized that education was going to be my ticket out.

From then on, I worked even harder at school. It was my saving grace, my personal haven. In high school, I studied non-stop, taking every concurrent college and AP class offered to me, except AP Calculus my senior year which conflicted with the scheduling of the spring musical. You see, by then, music had become a part of my heart. My music teachers, beginning in sixth grade actually, had all touched my heart and my life in some unique and special way. Music itself had become an avenue for self-expression and a moment of inner freedom. Music provided a wonderful and beautiful world of which I only knew the bare surface. I decided to go to college for music education, to learn more about this world that inspired me so and to become a teacher so that I might inspire others. Even with my 4.57 GPA, I graduated third in my high school class. I was able to score a 32 on my ACT by then, so I received several big scholarships. I won a prestigious organizational scholarship on top of a full ride from a small university honors program. I took it and went off to college, completely unprepared.

By the time I graduated high school, I was estranged from my parents and my foster parents and I didn't have much support, personally or financially. I was seventeen years old and not equipped to handle adulthood. I was suddenly responsible for figuring everything out. I knew how to do school, but not how to do life. I quickly fell apart. I hadn't dealt with the pain and trauma of my past and that was enough in itself to put my life on hold for a while. On top of that, I went in to college as a music education major when I couldn't. read. music. Yep! That made for one hell of a freshman year! Music is definitely not a joke major, let me tell you. It truly is a supremely complex world of it's own. I've had constant battles with my health, mostly mentally at first and then physically in later years. I slowly lost most of my scholarships. When I completely dropped out of school for the second time in spring 2011, I thought my life was over. That I would never accomplish my dream and that I would become what I most feared...

But on Easter-eve 2011, God forever changed my life. I had been saved as a six year old child and looking back, I see how God was always right beside me, through every scary night. As a teenager, I had gone back and forth between believing God didn't exist and hating Him. When I was 17, I finally started coming back to Him, reading the Bible and attending church when I could. I even worked at a Christian summer camp for kids for 2 summers where I witnessed the love of Christ more than ever before, yet the deepest part of my heart was still in serious doubt. Easter-eve 2011, something changed. Jesus grabbed hold of that doubt and took it away from me. I finally understood that His sacrifice represented true and selfless love. I let Him truly come in and was baptized on the spot, given new life before my new brothers and sisters in Christ. That's when my relationship with my Savior truly began. What happened next still blows my mind.

I have several amazing women who have helped mentor me and who have become my little "pack of mamas." I met several of them that month. Within a year, I was able to completely stop heavy-duty bipolar disorder drugs that kept me in a near-sedated state. Now I do other things, like exercise and eat right, to help keep myself level. I was able to go back to school, and for music, even though people told me I would never make it and I was messing up my life. Guess what? I can more than just read music, I am a fine musician and teacher. My GPA went from a 1.3 to a 3.7. Yes, I will be graduating in one week with a 3.7 GPA after many, many D's and F's from the early years. I still can't believe it! I went from being sad or fake in every picture, to often smiling from pure joy. I have life-long friends who have stood beside me through thick and thin, providing the support and the family I never dreamed I could have. Obstacles still arise and always will, but now I know there's nothing my God can't take care of.

Jesus brought me from drowning to flourishing. He healed my brokenness. He took a girl, whom the world had deemed unworthy of love and condemned to always be white trash, and turned her into something beautiful and useful for His glory. He turned a stone-cold heart into love and compassion. He took the crazy and made it sane. He took the dark and made it light. He took the hope, the dream, and He fulfilled it.

When I walk across that stage in exactly one week, I will not regret or feel bad that it took me six years. I will not say, "Finally!" It was my journey to walk and without it, I would not be the Ashley Anne you know today. Without it, I would not know that my God is beside me all the way, as long as I turn to Him. Without it, I wouldn't be God's girl.

XOXO,

Ashley Anne

Redemption.

This is not a blog entry that is fun to write. In this entry, I have to share with you that I have failed, fallen short of the call that God has put on my life.

I battled an addiction to cutting and self-harm for 8 years. I remember the day I decided to quit cutting and how every minute felt like a battle. Then, I began counting hours and days. I failed numerous times and my count started over. Eventually, I was strong enough to make and reach the goal of 10 days sober. Then I added a zero to that and tried for 100 days, often failing and starting over. I celebrated at 100 days sober and again with each day that passed. After I hit my 2 year mark, I decided to add one more zero and make it to 1,000 days cut-free. This giant goal would be the symbolic victory that allowed me to believe for myself that I was a recovered cutter. For 871 days, I often doubted myself but kept clinging to the Lord to help me find who I am in Him and in His plan. I experienced support and love like never before through some very hard life "road blocks". 

Last week I had a total meltdown because I let the enemy get to me. Satan knows my weaknesses, the soft spots that sometimes keep me up at night. He knows how to push every little button and if I'm not careful, I am quick to fall into his trap. I'm in my internship phase for teacher licensure and I finally cracked from the pressure. I felt like a complete failure and everything from my past, both the circumstances of life and my own decisions, came back to my mind and flooded my heart with darkness. Long story short, in an emotional blackout, I broke my sober streak and resorted to cutting. 

This all came with the timing of an incredible job offer with a program that truly makes a difference in the lives of students through education. From the moment I heard about the program to the moment I received the offer, I felt a peace and conviction about this path that could only come from my Lord, Jesus Christ. With graduation approaching, I have so many options and avenues opening for the next phase of my life (which is quite an incredible blessing, by the way), but no idea how to navigate through all of it. I asked God to open and slam doors, to give me neon-lit signs along the way, and He delivered. I just know I'm supposed to take this job. After I resorted to cutting again, I thought it was all over. I couldn't see past the darkness of the blinders Satan was trying to distract me with. You see, the thing is, my God has already delivered me from everything in my past. He's taken me out of the harmful environment I grew up in and showed me a life of love. He's forgiven my sins and bad decisions and doesn't even remember them anymore! (Hebrews 8:12; Isaiah 43:25; Jeremiah 31:34) Satan wanted me to end in destruction, but I have hope, because I am human and we will all fall short sometimes. 

Romans 3:22-24 This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 

That's right, my redemption came through Christ Jesus. Redemption. He took my sins on and bore them in His own body that I might have life, and life most abundantly! He came to Earth and suffered so that I could become a teacher without shame and fulfill His Father's plan, taking the power of oppression away from Satan. My Jesus knows that I am a lowly sinner, and I know that as long as I run back to Him, He will welcome me with open arms and wash me white as snow. His plan is greater than my plan, His purpose above any I can imagine. (1 Peter 2:24; John 10:10; 1 Corinthians 16:23 MSG; Isaiah 1:18; Isaiah 55:8-9; Jeremiah 29:11-13)

We all mess up. We all fail and fall short, no matter how hard we try to be good or how close we walk with the Lord. We are human and we need our God. When His mercy, peace, and LOVE wash over you, have faith. Trust in Him and persevere, for He created us to bring him glory, according to His plan. I pray that you will ask God to take away any blinders of doubt or shame that Satan has put around your eyes. Ask your Heavenly Father to help you see, and He will. He is faithful, always. 

Pray for me, too? I might be back at day 1, but I believe I can make it to 1,000 because my Jesus does not label me a cutter. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. I believe there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus; He calls me friend. Through Him, I am redeemed; I have been set free. (1 Corinthians 6:17; John 15:15; Romans 8:1; Galatians 5:1)

Be Still,

Ashley Anne

Trust Me.

     As I was in church on Sunday, listening to my pastor's New Year's sermon about unkept resolutions, I was grinning because for two years I have successfully kept my resolutions. 2012 was my year to "Be Still." I made the resolution to daily make the choice to be still and spend some time listening to my Heavenly Father. I did a lot of talking in my very early walk and listening has changed my life. 2012 brought a growth in my relationship with the the Lord that still amazes me. Every day, I still make the effort to be still and it truly is the most refreshing, reassuring, humbling, calming, and exciting part of my life. In 2013, my resolution phrase was "Live Life." While part of 2012 was spent being still, every other waking minute, and some of the minutes I was supposed to be sleeping, were spent getting my life back on track. In 2011, I had seriously derailed from my life plan and hit total rock bottom. 2012 was spent trying to once again pursue my dreams. I spent countless hours in the library and practice rooms trying to catch up academically; I went back to being a music major after failing out and then taking some time off, resulting in 14 classes that first semester because I was so behind. I had a lot to prove to myself and to everyone who said I was making the wrong decision for my life. I made a 4.0 and got my music major skills back up to par, but it came at a price. I had no life. I lived alone and I was so focused on my studies that I didn't make many real friends. So, in 2013, after much prayer and feeling grounded in my academic success and once-familiar work ethic, I decided that I was going to take every opportunity to live life. Any chance to hang out with classmates or colleagues, an opportunity to try something new, a seminar invitation that might have previously never made my agenda, an invaluable but volunteer internship that logic said I didn't have time for, any time my kitties wanted to cuddle, was taken. I became better than ever at time management and self-care in order to live life to the max while still staying on-course for my goals and responsibilities. 

     I successfully completed two years' worth of resolutions because they were life changing mantras directed by the Holy Spirit through prayer. I had help. As I thought about this during the sermon, I realized that I had NO idea what my 2014 resolution should be. My prayer for the next several days became, "Lord, what do you want from me in the next year? Guide my path." 

     I didn't get an answer before the shiny ball dropped at midnight. I didn't even get an answer on January 1st, but I kept on praying. I know that 2014 will be an exciting year for me. If I keep working my booty off, I will FINALLY graduate with my Bachelor's degree and state teacher's licensure in May. I'm in the midst of making up 3 months worth of guitar and piano practice in 3 weeks and applying for several teacher programs and district positions while studying for my final Praxis exams and preparing for my student-teaching internship. I literally have no idea where I might be this time next year, and to this control freak, that's a pretty scary thing. The one thing I do know is that Satan has built up obstacle after obstacle and the Lord has continuously and faithfully knocked down every single one. Every. Single. One. Unfair administrative red tape, health issues, financial pits, emotional despair, every single one. So for 2014, the Lord finally whispered to me His request, "Trust Me." 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." -- Joshua 1:9

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." -- Psalm 9:10

"But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." -- Psalm 31:14

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." -- Proverbs 3:5-6

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -- Jeremiah 29:11-13

And finally, my wish and my prayer for anyone else needing to trust this year: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." -- Romans 15:13

Be still and trust,

Ashley Anne