Redemption.

This is not a blog entry that is fun to write. In this entry, I have to share with you that I have failed, fallen short of the call that God has put on my life.

I battled an addiction to cutting and self-harm for 8 years. I remember the day I decided to quit cutting and how every minute felt like a battle. Then, I began counting hours and days. I failed numerous times and my count started over. Eventually, I was strong enough to make and reach the goal of 10 days sober. Then I added a zero to that and tried for 100 days, often failing and starting over. I celebrated at 100 days sober and again with each day that passed. After I hit my 2 year mark, I decided to add one more zero and make it to 1,000 days cut-free. This giant goal would be the symbolic victory that allowed me to believe for myself that I was a recovered cutter. For 871 days, I often doubted myself but kept clinging to the Lord to help me find who I am in Him and in His plan. I experienced support and love like never before through some very hard life "road blocks". 

Last week I had a total meltdown because I let the enemy get to me. Satan knows my weaknesses, the soft spots that sometimes keep me up at night. He knows how to push every little button and if I'm not careful, I am quick to fall into his trap. I'm in my internship phase for teacher licensure and I finally cracked from the pressure. I felt like a complete failure and everything from my past, both the circumstances of life and my own decisions, came back to my mind and flooded my heart with darkness. Long story short, in an emotional blackout, I broke my sober streak and resorted to cutting. 

This all came with the timing of an incredible job offer with a program that truly makes a difference in the lives of students through education. From the moment I heard about the program to the moment I received the offer, I felt a peace and conviction about this path that could only come from my Lord, Jesus Christ. With graduation approaching, I have so many options and avenues opening for the next phase of my life (which is quite an incredible blessing, by the way), but no idea how to navigate through all of it. I asked God to open and slam doors, to give me neon-lit signs along the way, and He delivered. I just know I'm supposed to take this job. After I resorted to cutting again, I thought it was all over. I couldn't see past the darkness of the blinders Satan was trying to distract me with. You see, the thing is, my God has already delivered me from everything in my past. He's taken me out of the harmful environment I grew up in and showed me a life of love. He's forgiven my sins and bad decisions and doesn't even remember them anymore! (Hebrews 8:12; Isaiah 43:25; Jeremiah 31:34) Satan wanted me to end in destruction, but I have hope, because I am human and we will all fall short sometimes. 

Romans 3:22-24 This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 

That's right, my redemption came through Christ Jesus. Redemption. He took my sins on and bore them in His own body that I might have life, and life most abundantly! He came to Earth and suffered so that I could become a teacher without shame and fulfill His Father's plan, taking the power of oppression away from Satan. My Jesus knows that I am a lowly sinner, and I know that as long as I run back to Him, He will welcome me with open arms and wash me white as snow. His plan is greater than my plan, His purpose above any I can imagine. (1 Peter 2:24; John 10:10; 1 Corinthians 16:23 MSG; Isaiah 1:18; Isaiah 55:8-9; Jeremiah 29:11-13)

We all mess up. We all fail and fall short, no matter how hard we try to be good or how close we walk with the Lord. We are human and we need our God. When His mercy, peace, and LOVE wash over you, have faith. Trust in Him and persevere, for He created us to bring him glory, according to His plan. I pray that you will ask God to take away any blinders of doubt or shame that Satan has put around your eyes. Ask your Heavenly Father to help you see, and He will. He is faithful, always. 

Pray for me, too? I might be back at day 1, but I believe I can make it to 1,000 because my Jesus does not label me a cutter. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. I believe there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus; He calls me friend. Through Him, I am redeemed; I have been set free. (1 Corinthians 6:17; John 15:15; Romans 8:1; Galatians 5:1)

Be Still,

Ashley Anne