Turn on the Prayer

Being a music major taking 10 classes plus rehearsals and recitals galore, combined with practice, homework, and study time, teaching lessons, maintaining personal relationships, interning at a church, exercising, and, of course, being a responsible adult with never-ending paperwork, bills, and to-do lists, my life gets ridiculously busy. Like, ridiculously. I know that several of you can understand. We live in a society that is constantly on the go and is moving faster each day. In a world of constant communication via all of our technological "advances" and devices, I sometimes forget where the most important communication should be: with our Creator and Father. I regretfully admit that sometimes I turn on my electronic devices more than I do the prayer line.

A couple of weeks ago, I was still about an hour out coming home from a mini road-trip when my phone died. Terrible timing if something would've happened, but good timing because I was held captive in my car with no phone and no radio. After trying to think through my scrambled thoughts a bit, I decided to just start singing some praises, alone in my car. But then I realized I wasn't alone; the One I was praising was right there with me. It occurred to me that when I get so caught up in today's world, with our day-to-day business and our technology, I do not acknowledge the true magnificence of the Holy Spirit that walks beside me through it all, even when I fail to notice His presence.

Last week I had trouble with my computer and it ended up in the shop at what I thought was the most awful time. You see, I had my first music history test of the semester (which is a grueling big deal) and I needed my computer for looking at my notes, listening to the examples, etc. I also had no idea how to get my computer to and from the shop 45 minutes away (and that's without any traffic) because of my hectic schedule.

*God enters stage right*

He took care of me! He used the people that He has placed in my life to help me get my computer fixed. In the meantime, He reminded me to utilize the library at my school for studying, which actually kept me more focused; I even made a 100% on the test!

At nights without my "sounds of nature" Youtube video to help me fall asleep, I spent more time than usual talking to God instead. I decided to listen more, too, and He sang me to sleep- no joke! 

I tell you these two anecdotes to say this: while our technology has many benefits, don't become so dependent on it that it interferes with your quality time with God. Don't forget that God is your friend without Facebook, He follows you without a Twitter, he sees your life without Instagram, He knows your thoughts without Blogspot. ;) While we live our busy lives, don't forget that it is all for His glory and His plan and don't forget that He loves YOU! 

Be Still,

Ashley Anne

New Year's, again!

Sometimes, disappointment can lead to deeper understanding. Other times, it may lead to a New Year's Resolution.

The first thing you should know about me is that I am a hopeless romantic and a dreamer, and combined it is a deadly weapon to any man attempting to earn my heart.

This New Year's would be my first midnight kiss if my boyfriend and I ended up in the same place. He had to be at home 2ish hours away, and I understood that, so I drove down on New Year's Eve. After spending the afternoon and evening with his family, we had 45 minutes until midnight. His brother took us to a close gas station for late night munchies and drinks and we came back. With about ten minutes to go, they decide to stay out for a smoke while I came in to get warm.

I really hate the smoking- the smell, the taste when he kisses me, the things its doing to his body, how that may impact our future, etc. and he knows it. I came in thinking, why couldn't they wait just ten more minutes? He said he'd come in early enough to clean up to kiss me. I doubted that, but let it go, naively wanting to believe him.

Now I had envisioned us doing the whole countdown thing, watching the ball drop, and having that perfect romantic kiss to end one year and begin another. The moment you see in movies, right?

Wrong. We couldn't watch the ball drop this year so we were just hanging out watching our cell phones for midnight. The final moments of 2012 were not spent smiling and counting down with excitement, but in anger and disappointment and hurt as I watched my boyfriend at the sink cleaning his mouth until the last second (even seconds after the clock turned). While I am certainly glad he did not kiss me with cigarette mouth, it was not the moment I had imagined. I felt hurt that he didn't care as much about the moment as I did. I felt hurt that he "didn't think about it." I was disappointed in myself for setting up these romantic notions in my head. That's not real life. The sappy girl in me thought, "Oh well. Let it go" and hoped, "Maybe next year."

Then it occurred to me: what if there is no next year?

What if something should happen to me, or him, or our relationship? What if other things in our lives and situations change?

And then, I FINALLY came up with my 2013 resolution.

Last year, I decided to "Be Still" more and spend more time with God. I made the effort and it has changed my life. This year, I plan to continue that relationship AND invest more in my other relationships. Live in the here and now and make the most of every single moment. Stop worrying about being so perfect and so uptight all the time. Stop working so dang hard. LOL. What if there's not another chance?

I know it sounds cliche, but it's ringing in my head and, hopefully, by this time next year, my heart.

Be still, 

Ashley Anne

PS- Checkout these CATS acting out the most common New Year's resolution. Number 5 looks familiar. ;) 

Thanksgiving

I hate holidays.
But that may be changing.

I don't know why I despise the holiday season as much as I do. I can't decide if I'm bitter, angry, sad, or some mixture of these emotions and more.

Last Thanksgiving I didn't do anything. I stayed alone in my apartment most of the day and went to see the new Twilight movie by myself. That was my day. And before you start thinking, "Poor girl," I should tell you that I had an offer of somewhere to go, I was just being a butthead.

I was tired of doing something different every year with different groups of people that I didn't really know, jumping on any offer to join in on another family's festivities.  I was tired of feeling like an outcast and being the odd girl that was there because some mama in the hosting family felt sorry for me. I hated feeling the panic of being in a new (and often large) social setting (which happens to me on normal days, not just holidays) and I hated the emotions it brought up. I was angry that my parents, especially my mother, were craptastic people who made bad decisions and ruined my life. I was sad because I missed my Granny (who passed away when I was twelve), my siblings, etc. I was mad at myself because I even missed my mom. I was bitter and afraid that I may never have the family and the traditions that my heart so desired. So, I decided to abandon the holidays all together until I could have that stability.

This year, I see potential in the holidays. I see beauty in everything. I was at the square on the night they launched the Christmas lights and it was a little magical wonderland with carriage rides, hot chocolate, and musicians on every corner; last year I would've just complained about being cold or something. I noticed the trees changing this year and the leaves blowing around make me feel like Mary Poppins or something; last year I would've just complained about hating fall. I'm putting up my baby tree tomorrow! I didn't put out any of my decorations last year. My outlook is only a reflection of my new healthy mentality and my closer walk with God. He doesn't want me to be miserable. Anyway...

This year, I had six offers for Thanksgiving. My initial plans were very exciting. I was going with my boyfriend to meet his extended family on a not-so-big holiday (as compared to Christmas) and I was stoked! Most of my excitement came from the fact that I was so in love and wanted to meet his family, but a little part of me was super excited because I really thought that this might be the year I find my family and traditions to be a part of. I wanted to marry this boy and I was lost in future la-la land.

Then, the boy and I broke up. It has been devastating. I made the call but I didn't want to, so it hurts. I was then faced with the thought of Thanksgiving again. Should I take a different offer and, if so, which one? Should I just be a grouch again and stay home studying? I decided to go with one of my SG mentors. She was hosting her family's Thanksgiving at her house. I'm comfortable there and I have spent a little bit of time with almost everyone who came, so I figured it was my safest bet.

Guess what? I had a BLAST! For the first time maybe ever, I didn't have any feelings of panic today. I didn't want to run out the door at any point in time. I never once felt super awkward or out of place. It was a chilled-out day full of laughter, good food, movies and games. I was included in the very intense Fantasy Rock-Paper-Scissors Tournament and I won.

I learned today that it's ok to join in holiday fun, even though my holidays may not be as stable and traditional as I would like. Perhaps one day, I will be the matriarch of my own family and I will get to provide that for everyone else. For now, maybe God's showing me lots of different traditions so I can make informed decisions when my turn comes.

And I believe it's coming! All of these desires in my heart are not random. I believe now that God has a beautiful future for me that includes my very own HEALTHY family. I still hope that that particular ex-boyfriend gets his act together, but even if he and I don't work out, that relationship taught me that there are men out there who will accept my baggage and love me for the person I am now.

These past few holiday seasons have just been life-changing. I've seen how normal, healthy families function. I've seen some pretty cool traditions. I've felt love. I've laughed a lot. I've realized that all of that really can be mine someday. Now I'm just waiting for God to reveal my perfect Prince Charming. :)

Enjoy this holiday season and don't forget to take some time to Be Still,

Ashley Anne

Film of the World

Sometimes I get this overwhelming need to get away and clear my head at that very moment, which usually means a trip to the city park. Sometimes, I just sit there a couple of minutes and then think, "Hmm. I can go home now." On the other hand, I've also been known to sit there for hours.

I've been at home, in my bed, sick for three days now. This evening I was feeling a bit better, and I felt the need to clear my head and get some fresh air. It was that fall-kind-of-gorgeous outside, so naturally, I headed to the park just in time to watch the sunset. No phone, no laptop, no books, just me and God. And my car. As I parked it, I just happened to have a great view of the sun setting over one section of my favorite park. Rather than lug out my crazy-creek and blankets (it's starting to get that fall-kind-of-cold!), I thought it might just be easier and warmer to sit in my car and watch the scene around me. After all, I was pretty tired and weak feeling...I blame the flu, right? I was sitting there in silence (a rare commodity for a music major!), thinking to myself about the awesomeness of God's artistic side. I can't tell you how many sunsets I've watched from this park and this time something felt "off." The scene around me was "pretty," but not the "beautiful" I remembered. Then I realized I was seeing it through a different "lens" this time...my windshield.

Now, let me describe my windshield- it's dirty. Like, really dirty. Dirty on the outside, dirty on the inside, and the last time I tried to clean it I just smeared all that gunk around. Grossed out yet? Me too. Maybe I should do something about that tomorrow. The point is, my windshield had this thick film on it and it was fogging my view of God's beautiful masterpiece. I realized that the world produces a similar foggy film that blocks my view of God when I allow it to.

How often do you look at God's masterpieces through the film of the world? This question really hit me hard. I often get so caught up in the world- my obligations, relationships, responsibilities, people's expectations, fitting in, etc- and I forget where my focus should be. God gave me this life and these relationships; I should not see them as this never-ending, stressful to-do list. I should keep my eyes focused on Him by making time to spend with Him and just do everything to the best of my ability with the goal of bringing Him glory. God created the world I live in and despite all of the sin and drama, it is beautiful! The trees I walk past everyday are beautiful. The family playing in the park is beautiful. The music I'm so privileged to study is beautiful. My neighbors cranking their heavy-bass rap music at 2 a.m. are beautiful. My kitty is beautiful. The relationships I have with my friends and "family" are beautiful gifts. I am beautiful. That's right- God made me in His image and I am His beautiful masterpiece. I may not be beautiful through the film of the world (I recently had a couple of girlfriends kinda bash me for my hair on a few occasions and another person told me my style was "so Plain-Jane" that I should hire a stylist before leaving my house again), but I was reminded tonight that I don't have to see myself or my surroundings through that foggy film; I can see things through the eyes of Christ, if I only remember to be still in Him.

Ashley Anne

It's All About Saving Grace...

Hello! This is a "promo blog" for this really cool event I think you should attend!! And here's why, in a nut shell:

Point of Grace is AWESOME and has AWESOME music praising our AWESOME Jesus!
And, Saving Grace is an AWESOME ministry reaching some AWESOME girls in the name of our AWESOME Jesus! :D

But, for reals, this event is very near and dear to my heart. Here's why, in a slightly larger nutshell. :)

Growing up, my father was a Southern Baptist preacher. That in itself is a wonderful thing, a blessed calling from God. The problem is that he didn't lead that life behind closed doors. I used to think that all my hurts came from my mother, but a lot of my "daddy issues" have recently been surfacing. Anywho, by the time I was a teenager, the only view of God and church that I had was centered around my father. Let's just say my view of God was seriously warped. Over the years, God has blessed me with a handful of "mama hens,"my "angels" if you will. The first one was one of my high school teachers. God used her strong faith to help lead me back to him. At age 15, she gave me The Message and gave me scripture to read. I went to church with her sometimes and even sang there a few times. One of the songs that she and I sang together was "Yes, I Believe" by Point of Grace. I can't tell you how many times I listened to that song in the process of getting it performance ready. Over time, God really began to speak to me through that song and, because God uses music to speak to my spirit, it helped me feel what it meant to own my newly forming faith. One night, I was alone and singing through it and I just started crying. That was the moment I declared for myself, "Yes, I believe."
(If you've never heard the song, check it out here.)

Secondly, the ministry of Saving Grace has changed my life. In March of 2011, I was at the lowest I think I've been, maybe ever. One of my other "mama hens" told me about this ministry she heard about around the time she met me nearly two years earlier. Desperate, I went to the website of Saving Grace (found here) to check them out. I watched a video from the founders and the song Saving Grace by Point of Grace brought me to tears. I prayed about it and God said to give them a call. I agreed, but I had my own condition. I said, "God, you get one phone call. Whatever happens from this one phone call is what's going to happen." One phone call is all it took. I was patched through to the founding lady herself and she actually remembered who I was from a conversation with that "mama hen" two years earlier. She said to me, "Girl, I have been praying for you for two years!" I had an interview that afternoon and moved in the following week. I lived there for 5 months and have now been on my own again for over a year. Through the program, I've met some of the most amazing women, many of them now my closest friends and/or mentors. I've seen brave girls do bold things. I've seen selfless love at it's finest. I've seen ridiculously hilarious, well, ridiculousness, but it's so much fun. I've seen Jesus change hearts, including my own. This ministry is growing everyday and I am telling you, it's worth supporting.

So, if you like AWESOME music and AWESOME people for an AWESOME cause, check it out! You can get tickets here and if you enter the promo code POG, you can get the cheapest tickets for just $15. Help us pack the house? It's gonna be a good time!

Be still,

Ashley Anne

Accountability

At the beginning of the school year, one of my professors talked to us about the power of speaking your goals aloud. He decided to do this fitness challenge over the summer, so he told his sisters about it for accountability's sake. He wasn't doing it as a "look at me and what I'm doing" statement, but because sharing his goal with somebody made it all the more real and made him more accountable. I heard this mini-lecture twice and it stuck with me.

All summer, my battle with bi-polar disorder and an addiction to cutting had been going so well. I am more successful now than ever...and happier...and all that jazz. Then fall classes got back into full swing and, as I approached my one-year sobriety point, I started really struggling again. It doesn't really make sense to me- maybe it's just more stress, maybe it's a mind game; I've said for so long that when I FINALLY reach the one year mark, I can really say, "See ya later, cutting!" So, naturally, as my goal gets closer, Satan is going to try to once again bring me down with all he's got.

I've been openly posting my own little hashtag countdown on Facebook and I shared my struggle with my inspirational chorale at school. Last week somebody asked me why I was talking about it with the people I see everyday. The answer is simple: accountability. In the final days of this goal-reaching struggle, I knew that making it known how close I was would make it that much harder for me to fail. Accountability, even in the most mild forms (like a hashtag countdown) can help someone so much. Speaking your goals aloud makes them more real and, for me, more achievable.

I am now 3 days away from reaching one year and I know my strength comes from my Lord! Thanks for holding me accountable friends, whether you know you are doing it or not. :)

Await the celebratory blog post in 3 days....it's gonna be big. :D

In the meantime, pray I remember to Be Still in Him,

Ashley Anne

Realization from a little operetta...

I have a voice lesson every Tuesday at 4:00 pm. My head is often spinning from rushing from one class to another all day and then through traffic to reach my teacher's home. I study with the bloody best voice teacher and opera performer, well, ever. (Can I say that? It makes me feel like Ron Weasley).  I love my lessons, because even though I often feel inadequate and unprepared, she always encourages me and I walk out with my feet once again steady on the ground, contemplating the things we work on every single week. When a concept finally clicks, I'm so proud of myself. I've been working on a beautiful French poem set to music by Gabriel Faure (1845-1924) called Ici-bas! I am singing it in French, of course, but here is my English interpretation:

"Here, all the lilacs die.

Here, the songs of the birds are short.

I dream of summers that last forever.

Here, the lips lightly touch,

but they have lost their sweetness.

I dream of kisses that last forever.

Here, every man weeps over a lost friend or lover.

I dream of lovers that last forever.

Lovers that last forever...

That last...forever."

The pitches are in my memory. My rhythm is fine. I know all of the words and pronounce them correctly. I got a little pat on the back for being "correct" but today I was pushed; I was challenged to "deeply feel" the song. For my teacher, feeling the music is her source of expressive inspiration. For me, I have to relate to text. I need to feel what I am singing about. The poem and the music are both beautiful, but today I had to think of how on earth I was going to relate to the author. I tried to think of a time when I felt like I was in a different world, a sad world...

I thought back to when I was 16 and placed in foster care. The judge put me on house arrest, not as a punishment, but to protect me. I felt cheated! It was unfair that I was being isolated in the middle of nowhere when I didn't do anything wrong! I couldn't go to school when school was my personal sanctuary (I had all of my work sent to me..."home bound" they called it). I had always believed that education would be my ticket to "overcome my raising" and "break the cycle" and all that jazz. The point is, I wanted a different life and I worked my booty off at school because, early on, I realized it was the key! And that goal kept me focused and grounded. But now, my whole world had come crashing down and I had nothing to do but spend my days sitting by  this little creek in the woods. I admit, it was gorgeous!! But I felt like I think the author of this poem might have felt. In this world, everything that was once good has now been lost. Everything is shriveled and hopeless. And I, being stuck there, experienced this sadness all the time. However, I dreamt of a day when hope would be restored. I dreamt of a day when life would turn beautiful again. 

You know what? Today I have the joy of singing this song and thinking back on the time when I felt that way to draw my inspiration. Yes, I have to think BACKWARDS! I have taken many steps forwards (and backwards) since sitting along that creek 6 years ago, but today it hit me: God is SO incredibly faithful! I am finally in my senior year of college! I am almost done, y'all! I am pursuing my passion and I love every minute of it! I am happy and healthy, a big feat! My bi-polar disorder is very well managed at this point (without the zombie drugs!) and I am just 15 days shy of being cut-free for an entire year! I have several healthy and encouraging relationships with the greatest mentors, friends, and the sweetest boyfriend a girl could ask for. But most importantly, my walk with my heavenly Father is stronger than it's ever been and it's only His strength that has brought me this far. He is the one who has restored my hope. I feel like a completely different person, many people have made comments about how "different" I am, and today I realized it's because I am a completely different person. And for that, I just wanted to give God a great big shout out and a great big thank you. He is SO good, y'all. So good. Those dreams hidden within a scared and hurting teenager are well on their way to being fulfilled. I have to actually look backwards to find those hopeless feelings that used to be so prevalent ALL the time. Wow. Wow, wow, WOW.  

Be still,

Ashley Anne :)

A Perspective on Women

God is so good. All the time. Even when we don't always see it.

I just felt like I needed to open with that, because I often forget. Right now, I have been so blessed to meet a very sweet guy. We've been dating for several weeks now and we've already hit some rough patches. We've both been taking some time to really dig in to God's purpose for each of us as individuals and then the future He may have for us as a couple under the guidance of the Holy Spirit and my sweet mama mentor acting as Godly-counsel. I'm praising God tonight because after at least a solid week of having rough emotional roller-coasters and plenty of moments feeling stuck and not knowing what to do, the Lord's work is starting to become much more evident, though it's been going on all along. He's had His hand in EVERY step forward and every mis-step in some other direction, I've just been too wrapped up in my own head to notice.

My sweet guy sent me this story; it's something he came across and it put a new spin on the way we both see women. I thought I'd share it because it really hit my heart. I'm not sure where it came from, so if you know the credentials, please comment so I can add them! It's a beautiful perspective:

“When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him from the dust of the Earth and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over himso I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Manwas put to sleep so that he could not interfere withthe creativity. From one bone I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects man’s life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do.”

Around this one bone I shaped you. I modeled you. I created you perfectly and beautifully. Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicateand fragile. You provide protection for the mostdelicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is thecenter of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage supports the body.

You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side. You are my perfect angel. You are my beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill when I see the virtue in your heart. Your eyes: don’t change them. Your lips: how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose so perfect in form, your hands so gentle to touch. I’ve caressed your face in your deepest sleep; I’ve held your heart close to mine. Of all that lives and breathes, you are the most like me.

Adam walked with me in the cool of the day and yet he was lonely. He could not see me or touch me. He could only feel me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you: my holiness, my strength, my purity, my love, my protection and support. You are special because you are the extension of me.

Man represents my image, woman – my emotions. Together, you represent the totality of God. So man: treat woman well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. In hurting her, you hurt me. What you do to her, you do to me. In crushing her, you only damage your own heart, the heart of your Father and the heart of her Father. Woman, support man. In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you. In gentle quietness show your strength. In love, show him that you are the rib that protects his inner self.”

I love this. I pray that someday, when I marry the man God created me for, I will be the earthly support he needs, reflecting the love and strength of our heavenly father, from whom all blessings flow. He is the one who gifted me with my strength and compassion and a life that fostered these qualities. I pray that my husband will be a strong spiritual leader and provider to a household we prosper together. I pray that we will be vessels for God's plan and that our relationship brings glory to Him. And whether my current boyfriend becomes my husband someday or not, I'm thankful for what God is teaching us as part of His plan.


Be Still, 


Ashley Anne :)

My Redeemer Lives!!!

"He lives to take away my shame
And He lives, forever I'll proclaim
That the payment for my sins
Was the precious life He gave
And now He's alive and
There's an empty grave!

And I know
My Redeemer, He lives
I know my Redeemer lives!
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I know my Redeemer lives!!"

(If you don't know the song, check it out: My Redeemer Lives, Nicole Mullen)

This song has been stuck in my head for weeks now. I had the joy of being involved in my church's Easter choir and this song always seemed to be the one that stuck in my head, day and night, even above all of the music I'm learning for classes this semester.

Last Easter, I was baptized and really and truly began the relationship with God that I have now. I first asked Jesus to come in to my heart at the age of 6. I also believe that was real and I can see now how He was beside me my whole life. My story is not necessarily a happy one and my early teenage years were full of anger. I went back and forth between not believing in God and hating Him. When I was 15 years old, God put His servant, Mary, in my life. He used her to very slowly start reminding me of who He is and how much He loves me. Over the next five years, God and I became buddies again and last Easter He called me to take our relationship to the next level and I'm so thankful that I did!

This Easter was overwhelmingly encouraging! I was constantly reminded time and time again how incredible was the sacrifice that Jesus made for me and for my brothers and sisters in Christ. Being part of my church's Easter service meant that I was preparing my heart for Easter for 5 weeks before we celebrated. I prayed for myself, for our leaders, for the people that would be in attendance, and I prayed praises! It seems so simple, but the "preparation prayers," as I call them, really brought my prayer life to a level I hadn't been to before. Never has my heart felt so vulnerable or so passionate, even with my camp ministry experiences. I think I realized through talking with people at choir rehearsals and through being part of a "cardboard testimonies" presentation just how AWESOME our God is and how very blessed we are as a body and how blessed I am as His child. I'm trying very hard to find words to explain my thoughts/feelings, but there just aren't any. This whole process just kept me really focused on Jesus' love and sacrifice and now that Easter is over, I've realized that I should be fixed on Him in the exact same way ALL year long! It's like He's saying to me, "Look how much you've grown to depend on me lately. See how safe and happy you've felt? Keep it up and I'll help you blossom. Rely on me entirely and I will not let you fall. You and I...we've got this. I love you."

This semester has seemed easy to most of the people in my life because I'm not struggling in the outward way that they are used to seeing. I will admit that this semester has been easier than others in a lot of ways, although the school part is absolute madness!  I am safe and I have everything that I need. I have more people that love me than ever before. I have met the most wonderful, encouraging, God-fearing women to help guide me. And I am so thankful to have some of the best friends a girl could ask for. We may not talk every day or even every week, but when we do hang out, it's just fantastic and I know they would be there for me in a heartbeat, as I would be for them. Cutting is not nearly the struggle that it once was; in fact, we're nearing 7 months of freedom! I think that the struggle has shifted- it's all in my head, though some might argue that it's been in my head all along. Spring is hard for so many "identifiable reasons" and finishing this semester will be the way to conquer the mental battle. And every year it brings tremendous pain and turmoil.

This April 11th will be different. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it out alive just yet, but I'm sure I'll blog about it when I do. :)

Be still,
Ashley Anne

Peace.

So, right now I am in one of my "academic marathons," which probably means I shouldn't be blogging. Things should lighten up a tad by Wednesday afternoon, but I don't want to wait that long! ;)

I pulled an all-nighter last night and I had rough classes today. Early morning rehearsal. Exams. Lots of papers due. Frustrating teachers. Frustrating classmates. You know how "those days" go. By about 3:30 pm, I had 6 classes down and one more to go, but it was canceled. I immediately felt a meltdown coming on. I've really been fighting a lot of things this semester and I was just slapped by all of it in the face at once. My first instinct was to go home and cry, but I knew that was the worst idea and what the enemy wanted me to do. My next reaction was to call somebody because I knew I had already escalated past my distraction tool box (my set of coping skills, basically). I called one of my beloved mentors, but she did not pick up. I sat there for a second but before I started thinking about someone else to call, God stepped in and calmed me down. It was a very cool moment. I went and sat outside in the sunshine on a grassy hill on campus and simply existed for a few moments. I just reveled in the peace and protection of Jesus sitting beside me, watching campus bustle on.

I got it together and went back to my little paper-writing, music-doing marathon. A little while ago, I decided to jump in the shower before heading back to the library. The moment I stepped out of the shower, I felt the same overwhelming sense of panic, fear, and doom that I had felt earlier today. (This is not a new thing...it's what I've been fighting lately, actually.) Then I heard/felt a nudge saying, "Go to My Word." So I opened up my Bible and saw a sticky note that said Psalm 63. I don't remember writing it and who knows how long it's been there. I figured that was as good a place as any to start, so I turned to Psalm 63 and found complete comfort.


"...Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you...Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. They who seek my life will be destroyed; they will go down to the depths of the earth..."

Thank you, Lord, for looking out for me. Thank you for honoring the work I'm doing in seeking you by faithfully revealing yourself. Thank you for reminding me to turn to you when I get caught up in the craziness of life. Thank you for rescuing me. Thank you for the work you're doing in transforming my heart and my life into what you have planned. Thank you for the peace you showed me today. Thank you for your love and for your ultimate sacrifice.

He is good, y'all! And He is faithful. He can bring peace like you've never felt before. Seek Him and be still. :)

Ashley Anne