Praise the Lord for He is good and so faithful!
I have struggled with cutting for almost 8 years now. It started out small at age 14 and grew into something that consumed all of me by the time I was 16 years old. I have been trying so hard to quit for 3 years now and today I pledge to never go back. Today marks 6 months of no cutting, something I've always hoped for but I never really thought I would see. God is so good.
It has been a long journey and I'm still walking it, but it's different now. Looking back at every baby step along the way, realizing just how carefully planned every detail of the last three years has been (and, really, my whole life) just blows my mind. God never ceases to amaze me.
Things are different now because I trust in my God. He walks beside me every moment of every day. My body is a temple filled with His Holy Spirit. He is my healer. He created me and He loves me and He is faithful. He has a wonderful plan for me that I cannot even begin to predict. Thank you, Lord, for deliverance- deliverance that has, perhaps, only just begun. Thank you Lord for victory and thank you for the strength to continue fighting.
Thank you to those of you whom God has used in my life over the last few years, and the last year or so especially. I have been blessed by so many Godly women in so many different ways. So many of you come to mind, and I just hope you know that you are wonderful!
Be Still,
Ashley Anne :)
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Feeling a little flat...
Lately, I've been feeling a little bit like this flat tire I got a couple of weeks ago. Okay, I'm feeling a lot flat. I am exhausted. It's not that my life is bad; my life is actually going really well, all things considered, and I am so incredibly grateful. It's just that I hardly have time to breathe these days. I have so much stinking homework and music things to do that I can't keep up with all of it, no matter how hard I try. I'm doing well with time management, I've forfeited just about every ounce of social life and relationships I had before this semester, I hardly sleep because I'm consistently pulling all-nighters, my apartment hadn't been cleaned in three weeks before this evening and that was driving me nuts! I'm in class all day three days a week and almost all day the other two days. Then homework, practicing, etc. and my classes are more challenging and more time consuming than ever. I've been traveling for music stuff, kind of brought upon myself, it's true, but they were wonderful experiences. I'm trying to succeed in school while dealing with some pretty tough mental/emotional battles and that makes focusing a lot harder sometimes. Well, I think you get the picture so I shall move on and stop obsessing.
I came across this passage in my reading. Often times I come across passages I've heard and read a hundred times, but I suddenly see it in a new light. This applies here:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)
Now, when I really starting thinking about these verses I realized that I had no idea what 29-30 meant. Internet research revealed a lot of different opinions and interpretations. I have kind of settled upon this as my understanding: One type of yoke is something that binds two animals together to pull or carry the same load. I think it's called a double yoke. Perhaps in this passage, Jesus is welcoming us under His double yoke so He can be beside us, so that we will bind ourselves to Him; He's offering us support so we never have to carry a heavy load on our own, and that can certainly give rest to the weary.
Sometimes I forget that Jesus really understands feeling tired and weary. He understands hurt and struggle. Goodness, He lived life here and dealt with so much. He really can help us.
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who in every respect has been tested as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)
His strength is not like any of my own strength. His strength never fails. Never has and never will. He is constant and everlasting. And that blows my mind. :)
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:28-31)
So now I shall get back to the absolute craziness of these few weeks. I pray that God will help me to continually strive to rely on God's strength, not my own, and to trust Him to help me with my burdens. I know that He is faithful.
"My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14)
Be still,
Ashley Anne
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Growing Pains and the Blessing of Family
I woke up this morning crying, which is not unusual, but this morning I knew exactly why: my family is gone.
Well, "gone" might be a little dramatic. As I'm writing, they are in the process of moving 14 hours away. It's not the end of the world, I know, and it will be good for them, I know, but that doesn't make it less painful.
I picked up on some hints over Christmas, but I've known about the "for sure" moving plans for a month now. I've cried some, I knew what was coming, but nothing could have prepared me for how it feels knowing that they are really not just a 45 minute drive away, or even a two hour drive away like it was when we first met.
One of the awesome women in my life put it this way, "Lots of people are in college away from their families. Just pretend like you moved away from them for school. There are cars that drive to Colorado. There are planes that fly to Colorado. It's a good reason to go visit a new state."
It really shouldn't be a big deal. Life changes. Relationships change. And I know I will get over it. It's just that I didn't have 18 years with my family before I grew up and moved to college as in the scenario described above. Shoot, they're not even my real family; in fact, I'm still not really sure how I fit in there. It's a super awkward situation if you look at it from the outside. Lol! And I don't know if that makes this easier or harder.
My "mom" is really only old enough to be my big sister, but she has taught me more about being an adult than anyone. She's also taught me the most about real love. She's loved me at my very best and at my absolute worst. She's been known to smack me around when needed. A bit of tough love, if you will. I will never understand why she took a liking to me, but every day I thank God that she did. :)
Her husband is the first man I ever felt comfortable around and I think he's the only man that I will always trust to never hurt me. He's exemplified what a husband and a father should be. I respect him completely. I want to find a man like John someday.
Their parents are great. Watching such great grandparents just makes my heart glow.
I even kind of like Fender. And I don't like dogs.
And my little munchkins...it's so ironic that I think of them that way.
It's amazing just how much three precious, little hearts can change you so much.
Berkley is quite possibly the cutest child ever created. She's so happy and she just makes me smile. Before she could really talk, she would make really excited noises when she saw me. Now when she sees me and says my name, it's usually accompanied by a "hol' me." And I never want to put her down. She's ok with that unless it's time to paint nails, follow the leader, pat our babies or play dogs; I'm going to miss playing fetch with Lionel, Lola, and AJ.
Ellie is my girl! Every time I see her, she drops what she's doing and gives me a super long hug. Talk about feeling special! One of Ellie's scrunchy-nose faces makes the worst week seem like paradise. I love when we wear matching bows. We've always had some sort of special bond, though I'm still not sure why. Watching her ride her first bike recently was super cool. She's really good. I remember when she was still learning to say "wa-wa." (water)
Titan is a big boy now and I'm lucky if I get a "Hey, Ashley" between video game levels when I come over. He may not be into hello or goodbye hugs and kisses like the girls are, but I still find him sitting in my lap almost as much as the girls while we're just hanging out and playing. He's so smart and he's reading so well now. I remember when he just wanted me to sit and read to him as many books as he wanted. It wasn't so bad until he figured out that you were skipping pages during the really long books. Haha. Smart cookie.
It's going to be weird not seeing them grow up like I've had the joy of doing over the last 2 1/2 years. It's going to be different now that I don't have Berkley kisses to look forward to or Ellie stories to listen to or a math quizzing from Titan to look forward to after a bad week.
Why am I posting this? I'm not really sure.
The original post was much, MUCH longer with excessive amounts of anecdotes. There have been so many particular moments with the fam that have really stuck with me or taught me something, so this blog was kind of a reflection for me as our relationships evolve with this move. My heart may be hurting just a bit, but "family" doesn't just dissolve through time and space. I'm going to love them just as much and I don't think those kiddos will forget me...I hope.
Right now I can thank God that I have such a sweet family now. He must be making up for my first one. ;)
He must love me a whole lot to send me a God-fearing husband and wife to model the future and the family He wants for me. He wants me to break the cycle in which I grew up, I know that is part of His plan for me, but how would I do so if I had never seen anything different? God must love me a whole lot to give three precious gifts some extra room in their heart to love the "Ashley Anne" in their family and to teach her what love really feels like. (That's what Titan said one time...I have a mom, dad, two sisters, and an Ashley.)
And, as hard as it is, I can thank Him for loving me enough to push me into becoming more independent, in terms of the world, and more dependent on Him at the same time, while He moves my family on to the plans He has for them.
I know that this move is not about me at all, but I also know that God is powerful enough to consider everyone in every detail of His planning and this is just what the move means for me- more growing pains. I can't imagine what it's like in their shoes right now, nor do I have any clue where God is leading them, but He's in charge here and they believe that, too.
So, to my family: I'm praying that you guys have a safe trip and that you get settled in as quickly and as easily as can be expected. I love you very, very much and I miss you!! I guess this means that my NYC change jar will become a "see the family for Christmas" change jar. I've never been to CO before. :)
Ashley Anne
Well, "gone" might be a little dramatic. As I'm writing, they are in the process of moving 14 hours away. It's not the end of the world, I know, and it will be good for them, I know, but that doesn't make it less painful.
I picked up on some hints over Christmas, but I've known about the "for sure" moving plans for a month now. I've cried some, I knew what was coming, but nothing could have prepared me for how it feels knowing that they are really not just a 45 minute drive away, or even a two hour drive away like it was when we first met.
One of the awesome women in my life put it this way, "Lots of people are in college away from their families. Just pretend like you moved away from them for school. There are cars that drive to Colorado. There are planes that fly to Colorado. It's a good reason to go visit a new state."
It really shouldn't be a big deal. Life changes. Relationships change. And I know I will get over it. It's just that I didn't have 18 years with my family before I grew up and moved to college as in the scenario described above. Shoot, they're not even my real family; in fact, I'm still not really sure how I fit in there. It's a super awkward situation if you look at it from the outside. Lol! And I don't know if that makes this easier or harder.
My "mom" is really only old enough to be my big sister, but she has taught me more about being an adult than anyone. She's also taught me the most about real love. She's loved me at my very best and at my absolute worst. She's been known to smack me around when needed. A bit of tough love, if you will. I will never understand why she took a liking to me, but every day I thank God that she did. :)
Her husband is the first man I ever felt comfortable around and I think he's the only man that I will always trust to never hurt me. He's exemplified what a husband and a father should be. I respect him completely. I want to find a man like John someday.
Their parents are great. Watching such great grandparents just makes my heart glow.
I even kind of like Fender. And I don't like dogs.
And my little munchkins...it's so ironic that I think of them that way.
It's amazing just how much three precious, little hearts can change you so much.
Berkley is quite possibly the cutest child ever created. She's so happy and she just makes me smile. Before she could really talk, she would make really excited noises when she saw me. Now when she sees me and says my name, it's usually accompanied by a "hol' me." And I never want to put her down. She's ok with that unless it's time to paint nails, follow the leader, pat our babies or play dogs; I'm going to miss playing fetch with Lionel, Lola, and AJ.
Ellie is my girl! Every time I see her, she drops what she's doing and gives me a super long hug. Talk about feeling special! One of Ellie's scrunchy-nose faces makes the worst week seem like paradise. I love when we wear matching bows. We've always had some sort of special bond, though I'm still not sure why. Watching her ride her first bike recently was super cool. She's really good. I remember when she was still learning to say "wa-wa." (water)
Titan is a big boy now and I'm lucky if I get a "Hey, Ashley" between video game levels when I come over. He may not be into hello or goodbye hugs and kisses like the girls are, but I still find him sitting in my lap almost as much as the girls while we're just hanging out and playing. He's so smart and he's reading so well now. I remember when he just wanted me to sit and read to him as many books as he wanted. It wasn't so bad until he figured out that you were skipping pages during the really long books. Haha. Smart cookie.
It's going to be weird not seeing them grow up like I've had the joy of doing over the last 2 1/2 years. It's going to be different now that I don't have Berkley kisses to look forward to or Ellie stories to listen to or a math quizzing from Titan to look forward to after a bad week.
Why am I posting this? I'm not really sure.
The original post was much, MUCH longer with excessive amounts of anecdotes. There have been so many particular moments with the fam that have really stuck with me or taught me something, so this blog was kind of a reflection for me as our relationships evolve with this move. My heart may be hurting just a bit, but "family" doesn't just dissolve through time and space. I'm going to love them just as much and I don't think those kiddos will forget me...I hope.
Right now I can thank God that I have such a sweet family now. He must be making up for my first one. ;)
He must love me a whole lot to send me a God-fearing husband and wife to model the future and the family He wants for me. He wants me to break the cycle in which I grew up, I know that is part of His plan for me, but how would I do so if I had never seen anything different? God must love me a whole lot to give three precious gifts some extra room in their heart to love the "Ashley Anne" in their family and to teach her what love really feels like. (That's what Titan said one time...I have a mom, dad, two sisters, and an Ashley.)
And, as hard as it is, I can thank Him for loving me enough to push me into becoming more independent, in terms of the world, and more dependent on Him at the same time, while He moves my family on to the plans He has for them.
I know that this move is not about me at all, but I also know that God is powerful enough to consider everyone in every detail of His planning and this is just what the move means for me- more growing pains. I can't imagine what it's like in their shoes right now, nor do I have any clue where God is leading them, but He's in charge here and they believe that, too.
So, to my family: I'm praying that you guys have a safe trip and that you get settled in as quickly and as easily as can be expected. I love you very, very much and I miss you!! I guess this means that my NYC change jar will become a "see the family for Christmas" change jar. I've never been to CO before. :)
Ashley Anne
Friday, February 10, 2012
His compassions never fail.
I have a "mirror verse" that I change periodically, just as something to see and ponder every morning while I'm getting ready for the day and something to reflect on as I'm getting ready for bed. Right now, the mirror verses are Lamentations 3: 21-24 (NIV):
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
I just love every word in this passage. It has been so encouraging to my heart lately.
God's mercies are new every morning. He is faithful and His love never fails. In this, I find hope and reassurance.
The other night, while I was recovering from a "losing" day, I realized that God's mercies are new every morning because He wants to provide new compassions every morning. He doesn't have to renew His mercy and love every day. He is God and He can do whatever He pleases, you know? He chooses to forgive me and love me anew on a daily basis because He knows that I need it. He knows that I am going to fail everyday. He knows that I am going to stray from Him in some way. He knows that I am only human. After all, He made me. And He chooses to be faithful -every day- even though I do not deserve it. He loves me despite my failures. And that blows my mind. :)
Therefore, it's not a failure to rely on His new mercies every day. That doesn't make me a failure as a Christian or as a person. If anything, it makes me stronger. That's what He wants from me. He wants me to realize that I need Him every day and to depend on Him and seek Him on the "winning" and the "losing" days.
I hope that this realization will help me when I'm trying to re-fix my eyes on Jesus after feeling like a total failure. It's not a free pass to ignore God, of course, or take His love for granted, but maybe I will not be so dang hard on myself. Maybe I will stop dwelling on my mistakes, but learn from them and continue to redirect and strive to glorify God in all I do. He deserves to be glorified. After all, this life I'm living is really His, not mine.
Be Still,
Ashley Anne
Monday, January 30, 2012
An Encouraging Reminder.
Mondays are super busy, crazy days for me. Today was more stressful than usual. As I was driving home, I turned on KLRC, the local "positive difference" radio station. Music is my entire being. I love it. It is definitely my most powerful connection to God. So, every time I turn on KLRC, my heart is almost immediately lightened, my mind is cleared, and my eyes are re-fixed on Jesus. The first song I heard tonight was Chris Tomlin's "Our God." If you're not familiar with the song, you should check it out!
"Our God is greater,
Our God is stronger,
God, You are higher than any other.
Our God is healer, awesome in power...
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?"
If God is for us, and He is,
Then what could stand against? Against a God who is greater, stronger, higher, more awesome? Against His beloved children, whom He will fight for? (Romans 8:31-32, Exodus 14:14)
I guess this song was just a perfectly timed reminder of who my God is and that He's on my side. He never changes. His truth and His promises stand firm. He never leaves me stranded on my own. I may wander astray, but His love stays the same. And that blows my mind. :) (Malachi 3:6, Deuteronomy 31:6)
Be still,
Ashley Anne
Some verses to check out:
1 John 4:4
Psalm 59:16
Isaiah 41:1
"Our God is greater,
Our God is stronger,
God, You are higher than any other.
Our God is healer, awesome in power...
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?"
If God is for us, and He is,
Then what could stand against? Against a God who is greater, stronger, higher, more awesome? Against His beloved children, whom He will fight for? (Romans 8:31-32, Exodus 14:14)
I guess this song was just a perfectly timed reminder of who my God is and that He's on my side. He never changes. His truth and His promises stand firm. He never leaves me stranded on my own. I may wander astray, but His love stays the same. And that blows my mind. :) (Malachi 3:6, Deuteronomy 31:6)
Be still,
Ashley Anne
Some verses to check out:
1 John 4:4
Psalm 59:16
Isaiah 41:1
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
"I won't let you fall..."
The spring semester is officially at full-blown pace and that pace for me is ridiculously fast. I'm in good company because the same can be said for most of the music majors I spend all day with. Let's just say my semester is booked!!!
It feels like we've been back in school forever, but it was just last week that I was receiving syllabuses and organizing my classes, trying to get a feel for the reality of what this semester looks like. By Thursday I was thinking, "Man, I am in WAY over my head here! There is absolutely no way I am going to be able to keep this pace up after a month, maybe two." Just in the first week I had already gotten into the pattern of being in class or the library or a practice room for at least 14 hours of my day, often all back to back, and my brain was fried! Thursday afternoon I had a pretty intense mental/emotional breakdown. It was awful. I thought about dropping some classes and just paying the financial consequences of being "less than full time." I thought about just quitting all together! If you've read any of my previous posts, you may know that I am trying to overcome a mental barrier about spring semesters on top of dealing with school. I just knew I was already predestined to fail. My little breakdown lasted quite a while, like 4 days. When I decided it was time to snap out of it, I started reading Psalm 37. The whole thing is wonderful, you should really check it out. :)
This really stood out to me.
"If the LORD delights in a man’s way,
he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37:23-24
This is my "mirror verse" right now. I always have a verse on my bathroom mirror and I change it when God is using a particular verse to work in my heart. If I am following wherever the Holy Spirit leads me, and I have no doubt that I am in the right place at this point in my life, God will make my steps firm. What a confidence boost! As I mentioned earlier, going into this semester I had this mental predisposition that there was no hope of success. Even attempting this semester was a crazy notion; it was predestined to be a catastrophe, an epic fail, if you will. This mentality made me feel very fragile and unsteady. I felt like I was always on the verge of breaking, just waiting for the moment that everything would fall apart. From here on out I hope I remember that in the Lord, I stand firm!
Obviously my little meltdown was a "stumble," and I have no doubt that I will stumble often this semester. It's going to be super tough and definitely a test of my faith, but God's got my back. He's not going to let me fall.
He wants to help me succeed in fulfilling His plan for me. He wants to hold me up, because I won't make it on my own. I've tried.
He will not let me fall. That blows my mind.
This second week has not been easy, but it has been much better than the last. I'm already regretting spending too much time on this post, but relying on God for strength to push through the times where I am overwhelmed to tears has made all the difference and I wanted to share. :)
Be still,
Ashley Anne
More verses for encouragement:
Psalm 37:30-31
Philipians 4:19-20
Psalm 91
It feels like we've been back in school forever, but it was just last week that I was receiving syllabuses and organizing my classes, trying to get a feel for the reality of what this semester looks like. By Thursday I was thinking, "Man, I am in WAY over my head here! There is absolutely no way I am going to be able to keep this pace up after a month, maybe two." Just in the first week I had already gotten into the pattern of being in class or the library or a practice room for at least 14 hours of my day, often all back to back, and my brain was fried! Thursday afternoon I had a pretty intense mental/emotional breakdown. It was awful. I thought about dropping some classes and just paying the financial consequences of being "less than full time." I thought about just quitting all together! If you've read any of my previous posts, you may know that I am trying to overcome a mental barrier about spring semesters on top of dealing with school. I just knew I was already predestined to fail. My little breakdown lasted quite a while, like 4 days. When I decided it was time to snap out of it, I started reading Psalm 37. The whole thing is wonderful, you should really check it out. :)
This really stood out to me.
"If the LORD delights in a man’s way,
he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37:23-24
This is my "mirror verse" right now. I always have a verse on my bathroom mirror and I change it when God is using a particular verse to work in my heart. If I am following wherever the Holy Spirit leads me, and I have no doubt that I am in the right place at this point in my life, God will make my steps firm. What a confidence boost! As I mentioned earlier, going into this semester I had this mental predisposition that there was no hope of success. Even attempting this semester was a crazy notion; it was predestined to be a catastrophe, an epic fail, if you will. This mentality made me feel very fragile and unsteady. I felt like I was always on the verge of breaking, just waiting for the moment that everything would fall apart. From here on out I hope I remember that in the Lord, I stand firm!
Obviously my little meltdown was a "stumble," and I have no doubt that I will stumble often this semester. It's going to be super tough and definitely a test of my faith, but God's got my back. He's not going to let me fall.
He wants to help me succeed in fulfilling His plan for me. He wants to hold me up, because I won't make it on my own. I've tried.
He will not let me fall. That blows my mind.
This second week has not been easy, but it has been much better than the last. I'm already regretting spending too much time on this post, but relying on God for strength to push through the times where I am overwhelmed to tears has made all the difference and I wanted to share. :)
Be still,
Ashley Anne
More verses for encouragement:
Psalm 37:30-31
Philipians 4:19-20
Psalm 91
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Trusting in a Better Plan
I have recently spent some time reading in Jeremiah 29. If you caught my previous post, I was specifically focused on verse 11: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God revealed this to me: I am a huge planner. I meticulously plan every detail of my life; it makes me feel secure and in control. Even though I feel like my life is forever off-track, things are always rolling along according to God's even better plan.
My heart is wonderfully encouraged by this, and yet, I'm wrestling with it. Like I said, I am such a planner because it makes me feel secure; I need to be in control. However, as I mentioned last time, God's plan is not my plan. (Isaiah 55:8) If I want to follow Him and the wonderful things He has in store for me, then I've got to let go of my plans, let go of my constant need for control.
Hold up right there!! To let go of my control means I have to trust someone else enough to let them be in charge. Yikes. I have trust issues; I'll just put that out in the open. I was hurt in so many ways as a child by the people I was supposed to be able to trust and rely on more than anyone else in the world. Parents are supposed to be safe, open, and loving, but mine were not. For a long time, I didn't open up to or trust anybody or anything. It was me, myself, and I. Eventually, I started to trust people more freely, perhaps too freely. Again, I was deceived and torn down. Somehow, this betrayal hurt even more than my childhood wounds. Now I am working on knowing when and whom and how much to trust. I'm always a work in progress. :)
Through these waves of trust and mistrust, I have struggled with completely trusting God with my heart and my life, even though, logically, I knew I wanted to. God knows I'm a stubborn girl and He has proven Himself to me over and over and over again, each time coming as a reminder of His faithfulness just as I begin to sink in doubt. Yet, I still haven't given Him my entire heart...
This semester could be a landmark semester for me. I have never completed a spring semester. I fall apart mid-term and I end up dropping out. I have a theory as to why that is and this spring I am determined to overcome! But, I can't face it alone. I have failed so many times trying to succeed on my own, failure to the point of being completely shattered. God always ends up picking up the pieces and putting me back together, so why not just give Him the reigns in the first place? Rather than being intimidated by the idea of someone else being in charge of my life, I am actually finding comfort in the fact that someone much more wise than myself loves me enough to want to lead my steps. I'm exhausted from trying to do it all alone and God is saying, "Hey, I'm here. Remember me? Fall back and I'll catch you. Be still and listen to me. I will not lead you astray." (Exodus 14:14, Proverbs 3:5-6)
I give in. I am tired of fighting and I want MY shepherd to lead me. But, God, I've been such a mistrusting control freak for so long, how do I even go about giving You the control?
So I continued reading...
"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:12-14a
This logical brain of mine could not have asked for more clear instructions:
Come to me and pray to me. Seek me with all your heart.
I have a mentor who tells me on a daily basis, "Pray about it. God wants you to go to Him." I do it, but I am often just going through the motions. I'm not really praying from my heart because somewhere in the back of my mind I am thinking, "Why am I doing this? God doesn't really hear me. And even if I do trust Him, I can't be fixed...again."
But this broken heart of mine could not have asked for more comforting promises.
I will listen to you.
I will be found by you.
I will bring you back from captivity.
Trust is not something that develops overnight. It takes time to trust someone with your heart. It takes a relationship to trust someone enough to let them lead your life. I thank God every day that He never gives up on me in my moments of weakness. I'm so thankful that He knows the desire I have to know Him in my heart and that He is continually revealing Himself to me. I pray that when I start to doubt His instructions to call upon Him and seek Him wholeheartedly, I will remember that He wants to listen to me. He wants to be found by me. He wants to bring me back from captivity. He loves me that much. He knows that I will stumble, He knows that I will doubt, but He is faithful. And through this, I'm learning to trust in His better plan.
Be Still,
Ashley Anne
More verses for encouragement:
Job 42:2
Proverbs 19:21
My heart is wonderfully encouraged by this, and yet, I'm wrestling with it. Like I said, I am such a planner because it makes me feel secure; I need to be in control. However, as I mentioned last time, God's plan is not my plan. (Isaiah 55:8) If I want to follow Him and the wonderful things He has in store for me, then I've got to let go of my plans, let go of my constant need for control.
Hold up right there!! To let go of my control means I have to trust someone else enough to let them be in charge. Yikes. I have trust issues; I'll just put that out in the open. I was hurt in so many ways as a child by the people I was supposed to be able to trust and rely on more than anyone else in the world. Parents are supposed to be safe, open, and loving, but mine were not. For a long time, I didn't open up to or trust anybody or anything. It was me, myself, and I. Eventually, I started to trust people more freely, perhaps too freely. Again, I was deceived and torn down. Somehow, this betrayal hurt even more than my childhood wounds. Now I am working on knowing when and whom and how much to trust. I'm always a work in progress. :)
Through these waves of trust and mistrust, I have struggled with completely trusting God with my heart and my life, even though, logically, I knew I wanted to. God knows I'm a stubborn girl and He has proven Himself to me over and over and over again, each time coming as a reminder of His faithfulness just as I begin to sink in doubt. Yet, I still haven't given Him my entire heart...
This semester could be a landmark semester for me. I have never completed a spring semester. I fall apart mid-term and I end up dropping out. I have a theory as to why that is and this spring I am determined to overcome! But, I can't face it alone. I have failed so many times trying to succeed on my own, failure to the point of being completely shattered. God always ends up picking up the pieces and putting me back together, so why not just give Him the reigns in the first place? Rather than being intimidated by the idea of someone else being in charge of my life, I am actually finding comfort in the fact that someone much more wise than myself loves me enough to want to lead my steps. I'm exhausted from trying to do it all alone and God is saying, "Hey, I'm here. Remember me? Fall back and I'll catch you. Be still and listen to me. I will not lead you astray." (Exodus 14:14, Proverbs 3:5-6)
I give in. I am tired of fighting and I want MY shepherd to lead me. But, God, I've been such a mistrusting control freak for so long, how do I even go about giving You the control?
So I continued reading...
"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:12-14a
This logical brain of mine could not have asked for more clear instructions:
Come to me and pray to me. Seek me with all your heart.
I have a mentor who tells me on a daily basis, "Pray about it. God wants you to go to Him." I do it, but I am often just going through the motions. I'm not really praying from my heart because somewhere in the back of my mind I am thinking, "Why am I doing this? God doesn't really hear me. And even if I do trust Him, I can't be fixed...again."
But this broken heart of mine could not have asked for more comforting promises.
I will listen to you.
I will be found by you.
I will bring you back from captivity.
Trust is not something that develops overnight. It takes time to trust someone with your heart. It takes a relationship to trust someone enough to let them lead your life. I thank God every day that He never gives up on me in my moments of weakness. I'm so thankful that He knows the desire I have to know Him in my heart and that He is continually revealing Himself to me. I pray that when I start to doubt His instructions to call upon Him and seek Him wholeheartedly, I will remember that He wants to listen to me. He wants to be found by me. He wants to bring me back from captivity. He loves me that much. He knows that I will stumble, He knows that I will doubt, but He is faithful. And through this, I'm learning to trust in His better plan.
Be Still,
Ashley Anne
More verses for encouragement:
Job 42:2
Proverbs 19:21
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Teaching or Learning a Lesson?
Not too long ago, I was asked to teach the Bible lesson for a youth ministry I volunteer with. I was really nervous because I had never done anything like that before. I am great with one-on-one or even one-on-few investment, but teaching the whole group was way out of my comfort zone.
When I was given the memory verse to teach, I just wanted to die. It was Jeremiah 29:11- one of the first verses I learned as a Christian, a verse I have consistently relied on for encouragement and read a hundred times, a verse I have often pulled out of my memory bank in various situations, a verse plastered all over Pinterest, a verse that so many people can recite....
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
How on earth was I going to teach this one to little kids? There are so many big words! So I started to pray. I decided to break it down the best way I knew how and I wrote out a lesson plan. When I finished and looked at it, my only thought was, "Oh boy..." For the 36 hours between finishing the lesson plan and the actual talk, I tried to stop freaking out about saying the right things and about what the other volunteers would think of me. My prayer became, "Lord, let it be You standing in front of those girls and not me. Let it be Your words and not my own."
When the time came, I pretty much freaked out. I'm fairly certain I said, "God has a special plan just for you," about twenty times in five minutes and babbled in between. Now, I believe God is faithful, and I sincerely hope that the girls got something out of that lesson. Perhaps one of them needed to hear about a special plan twenty times. I may never know.
I do know that it was no mistake that I was given this passage to teach on.
I am a huge planner and I always have been. I write out elaborate hour-by-hour plans for my week. Taking the thirty minutes to do so on Saturday night makes me feel better, more in control. The thing is, not much on my detailed hour-by-hour schedule actually goes according to plan and I often find myself in a tizzy about mid-week. The awesome not-so-secret that God decided to let me in on is that He has already planned every hour of my life! And that totally blows my mind. Every hour He has planned is a precious gift. While keeping myself organized is good, I can't let my world shatter when God takes me in a direction I didn't expect. After all,
"My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
Isaiah 55:8
The other thing I realized is that God's plans are way better than mine will ever be, no matter how meticulously I plan! His plans are good plans full of hope, safety, prosperity and love. Just as Jeremiah 29:11 says.
Funny how God can take such a familiar verse and open your eyes to something new. He is good.
When I was given the memory verse to teach, I just wanted to die. It was Jeremiah 29:11- one of the first verses I learned as a Christian, a verse I have consistently relied on for encouragement and read a hundred times, a verse I have often pulled out of my memory bank in various situations, a verse plastered all over Pinterest, a verse that so many people can recite....
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
How on earth was I going to teach this one to little kids? There are so many big words! So I started to pray. I decided to break it down the best way I knew how and I wrote out a lesson plan. When I finished and looked at it, my only thought was, "Oh boy..." For the 36 hours between finishing the lesson plan and the actual talk, I tried to stop freaking out about saying the right things and about what the other volunteers would think of me. My prayer became, "Lord, let it be You standing in front of those girls and not me. Let it be Your words and not my own."
When the time came, I pretty much freaked out. I'm fairly certain I said, "God has a special plan just for you," about twenty times in five minutes and babbled in between. Now, I believe God is faithful, and I sincerely hope that the girls got something out of that lesson. Perhaps one of them needed to hear about a special plan twenty times. I may never know.
I do know that it was no mistake that I was given this passage to teach on.
I am a huge planner and I always have been. I write out elaborate hour-by-hour plans for my week. Taking the thirty minutes to do so on Saturday night makes me feel better, more in control. The thing is, not much on my detailed hour-by-hour schedule actually goes according to plan and I often find myself in a tizzy about mid-week. The awesome not-so-secret that God decided to let me in on is that He has already planned every hour of my life! And that totally blows my mind. Every hour He has planned is a precious gift. While keeping myself organized is good, I can't let my world shatter when God takes me in a direction I didn't expect. After all,
"My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
Isaiah 55:8
The other thing I realized is that God's plans are way better than mine will ever be, no matter how meticulously I plan! His plans are good plans full of hope, safety, prosperity and love. Just as Jeremiah 29:11 says.
Funny how God can take such a familiar verse and open your eyes to something new. He is good.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Just a Little Praise...
Several weeks ago, it hit me...I am really an adult. I don't know why it took me until age 21 to realize this, but it did. This last semester of school was incredibly life changing. It was a super rough start, but it ended up being better than I ever could have expected. I couldn't have done it without an awesome support system and, of course, the love and strength of our Almighty God!
Today, I started feeling like a fairly responsible adult. It's kind of a "I'm free" feeling. I am living on my own. I am staying on top of my own finances and budgeting responsibly. I am strategically planning my errands and daily activities to save gas. (This is a new one and kinda what made me start thinking today.)
I am taking care of my health conditions (nothing serious...no worries) and coinciding with that I am eating well and exercising regularly. I encourage everyone to do this...it may be hard at first, but if you keep at it, it will change your world in so many ways! I have this verse on the inside of my gym locker and it always helps me keep at it.
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received
from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
-1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I'm straying from my point...
I am growing in my walk with the Lord.
I am building healthier relationships here on earth.
I am so blessed to be working with young girls and to be one of Jesus' vessels in their lives.
I am studying what I love and I am finally succeeding at it!
My first thoughts when I came to this epiphany today were all about me. "Wow, I'm actually doing this! I have had so much heartbreak and so many setbacks. Nobody thought I could do it, look at me now!"
Then God gently kicked me in the booty, as He often does, and when I got home, I opened my Bible and in front of me was the story of David destroying the Amalekites.
"When David and his men came to Ziklag, they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and sons and
daughters taken captive. So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep.
David's two wives had been captured- Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal and Carmel.
David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit
because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the LORD his God."
- 1 Samuel 30:3-6 (NIV)
To be honest, after reading some more and doing some minor research, I still don't understand the history behind these battles; perhaps it's something I should study more. I do know that through it all, David went through his own trials and heartbreak, but he found his strength in the Lord.
Then the second epiphany came. I am absolutely nothing without God. Over the last couple years, I have gone through the lowest points of my life thus far. Like David, I was at the point where I was not strong enough to even keep weeping. I did not become this "fairly responsible adult" by my own strength; I have only accomplished these things through relying on God. And I just can't thank Him enough!! (John 15:5)
If you are to a point of total depair, I encourage you to take it all to the Lord. If you're like me, that's a scary thought. I know...I've been there. And who's to say I'll never be there again? I'm the queen of self-sabotage. ;) Go before Him and be still; He will listen and He will answer according to His plan...He is mighty and wonderful and He wants to take care of you. He loves you more than any of us can comprehend here on earth. That's what this blog is all about. :)
If you are in a wonderful free-feeling place, take a moment and praise God today!! It's all Him and to Him be all the glory!!!
Ashley Anne
More verses for encouragement:
Nehemiah 8:10
Psalm 105:4
Isaiah 41:10
Philippians 4:13
Psalm 73:26
Today, I started feeling like a fairly responsible adult. It's kind of a "I'm free" feeling. I am living on my own. I am staying on top of my own finances and budgeting responsibly. I am strategically planning my errands and daily activities to save gas. (This is a new one and kinda what made me start thinking today.)
I am taking care of my health conditions (nothing serious...no worries) and coinciding with that I am eating well and exercising regularly. I encourage everyone to do this...it may be hard at first, but if you keep at it, it will change your world in so many ways! I have this verse on the inside of my gym locker and it always helps me keep at it.
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received
from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
-1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I'm straying from my point...
I am growing in my walk with the Lord.
I am building healthier relationships here on earth.
I am so blessed to be working with young girls and to be one of Jesus' vessels in their lives.
I am studying what I love and I am finally succeeding at it!
My first thoughts when I came to this epiphany today were all about me. "Wow, I'm actually doing this! I have had so much heartbreak and so many setbacks. Nobody thought I could do it, look at me now!"
Then God gently kicked me in the booty, as He often does, and when I got home, I opened my Bible and in front of me was the story of David destroying the Amalekites.
"When David and his men came to Ziklag, they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and sons and
daughters taken captive. So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep.
David's two wives had been captured- Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal and Carmel.
David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit
because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the LORD his God."
- 1 Samuel 30:3-6 (NIV)
To be honest, after reading some more and doing some minor research, I still don't understand the history behind these battles; perhaps it's something I should study more. I do know that through it all, David went through his own trials and heartbreak, but he found his strength in the Lord.
Then the second epiphany came. I am absolutely nothing without God. Over the last couple years, I have gone through the lowest points of my life thus far. Like David, I was at the point where I was not strong enough to even keep weeping. I did not become this "fairly responsible adult" by my own strength; I have only accomplished these things through relying on God. And I just can't thank Him enough!! (John 15:5)
If you are to a point of total depair, I encourage you to take it all to the Lord. If you're like me, that's a scary thought. I know...I've been there. And who's to say I'll never be there again? I'm the queen of self-sabotage. ;) Go before Him and be still; He will listen and He will answer according to His plan...He is mighty and wonderful and He wants to take care of you. He loves you more than any of us can comprehend here on earth. That's what this blog is all about. :)
If you are in a wonderful free-feeling place, take a moment and praise God today!! It's all Him and to Him be all the glory!!!
Ashley Anne
More verses for encouragement:
Nehemiah 8:10
Psalm 105:4
Isaiah 41:10
Philippians 4:13
Psalm 73:26
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The Lord is MY shepherd...
Another New Year's post. :)
The material for this blog comes from a service at Fellowship Bible Church on New Year's Day. You know how church is always good, but sometimes the message really strikes a chord with you? That's what happened today.
I know that there is a wonderful God and I know that through prayer and study I'm building a relationship with Him. There have most definitely been moments where God has clearly shown Himself to me and I've felt the connection. There have been countless times that He has proven to me His faithfulness. And, yet, I still had this idea that God was this huge God up in the sky that came to save the whole world. I think of the song from Sunday school, "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world..."
He did come for the world, but He also came just for me. And He came just for you, too. As Sam talks about in this sermon, the first five words of Psalm 23 are powerful and insightful: "The Lord is my shepherd..." These words seem so gentle and so welcoming to me. God is a wonderful shepherd calling in His little sheep that need guidance to survive. I really focused on the word "my." I realized that God wants to have a very personal relationship with every one of His followers. Jeremiah 29:12 says, "Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you." God's word is full of promises and He promises to listen to us. My heart matters to Him. And that blows my mind.
The end of that same children's song goes, "They are precious in His sight, oh Jesus loves the children of the world." We are precious in His sight. I am precious. You are precious. Your daughter is precious. Your next door neighbor is precious. Your co-worker is precious. You get the idea....
I encourage you to go listen to the podcast of this sermon because it's just wonderful.
Link to Fellowship Sunday morning audio
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