Why I stopped saying, "Finally..."

In one week, I will graduate from college after a long and trying journey. It took me six years, one university transfer, two complete withdrawals for hospital stays, two changes in major, and one big change of heart to finally make it. I used to joke, "Well, it's about time!" and even considered putting that on my mortar board for the big day. Well, I've decided to stop saying "Finally..." like it's a bad thing, worthy of discrediting my achievement. I've decided that those 6 years and every obstacle has changed me in a way for the better and turned me in to the loving and awesome teacher I'm about to become. Those six years are my journey to own, not to make me feel bad. Let me tell you about that journey and the loving God who got me through it.

In the sixth grade, I was selected to participate in a school program where we took the ACT College Entrance Exam and I'm still not really sure why. I remember it very clearly. They prepped us a bit by talking about the overall testing experience, but we never received practice on the material. I will never forget when my teacher told me that as a sixth-grader, I had scored higher than the average high school graduate with a composite 19. I had never even studied geometry or algebra or calculus. I certainly couldn't read at a twelfth-grade level quite yet. However, I had a good head on my shoulders and I had excellent reasoning skills. I could apply the bits I did know and I did well. It was at that moment that I decided to go to college. I'd always known that I was different from the rest of my family. By sixth grade, my home life was a complete mess, but I will save that story for another day. I knew I was different and I wanted something else for my life. I only knew what I had seen and lived, but in my soul I always knew it wasn't right. My life was not the way things were supposed to be. I had always loved school and my teachers, but that day, I realized that education was going to be my ticket out.

From then on, I worked even harder at school. It was my saving grace, my personal haven. In high school, I studied non-stop, taking every concurrent college and AP class offered to me, except AP Calculus my senior year which conflicted with the scheduling of the spring musical. You see, by then, music had become a part of my heart. My music teachers, beginning in sixth grade actually, had all touched my heart and my life in some unique and special way. Music itself had become an avenue for self-expression and a moment of inner freedom. Music provided a wonderful and beautiful world of which I only knew the bare surface. I decided to go to college for music education, to learn more about this world that inspired me so and to become a teacher so that I might inspire others. Even with my 4.57 GPA, I graduated third in my high school class. I was able to score a 32 on my ACT by then, so I received several big scholarships. I won a prestigious organizational scholarship on top of a full ride from a small university honors program. I took it and went off to college, completely unprepared.

By the time I graduated high school, I was estranged from my parents and my foster parents and I didn't have much support, personally or financially. I was seventeen years old and not equipped to handle adulthood. I was suddenly responsible for figuring everything out. I knew how to do school, but not how to do life. I quickly fell apart. I hadn't dealt with the pain and trauma of my past and that was enough in itself to put my life on hold for a while. On top of that, I went in to college as a music education major when I couldn't. read. music. Yep! That made for one hell of a freshman year! Music is definitely not a joke major, let me tell you. It truly is a supremely complex world of it's own. I've had constant battles with my health, mostly mentally at first and then physically in later years. I slowly lost most of my scholarships. When I completely dropped out of school for the second time in spring 2011, I thought my life was over. That I would never accomplish my dream and that I would become what I most feared...

But on Easter-eve 2011, God forever changed my life. I had been saved as a six year old child and looking back, I see how God was always right beside me, through every scary night. As a teenager, I had gone back and forth between believing God didn't exist and hating Him. When I was 17, I finally started coming back to Him, reading the Bible and attending church when I could. I even worked at a Christian summer camp for kids for 2 summers where I witnessed the love of Christ more than ever before, yet the deepest part of my heart was still in serious doubt. Easter-eve 2011, something changed. Jesus grabbed hold of that doubt and took it away from me. I finally understood that His sacrifice represented true and selfless love. I let Him truly come in and was baptized on the spot, given new life before my new brothers and sisters in Christ. That's when my relationship with my Savior truly began. What happened next still blows my mind.

I have several amazing women who have helped mentor me and who have become my little "pack of mamas." I met several of them that month. Within a year, I was able to completely stop heavy-duty bipolar disorder drugs that kept me in a near-sedated state. Now I do other things, like exercise and eat right, to help keep myself level. I was able to go back to school, and for music, even though people told me I would never make it and I was messing up my life. Guess what? I can more than just read music, I am a fine musician and teacher. My GPA went from a 1.3 to a 3.7. Yes, I will be graduating in one week with a 3.7 GPA after many, many D's and F's from the early years. I still can't believe it! I went from being sad or fake in every picture, to often smiling from pure joy. I have life-long friends who have stood beside me through thick and thin, providing the support and the family I never dreamed I could have. Obstacles still arise and always will, but now I know there's nothing my God can't take care of.

Jesus brought me from drowning to flourishing. He healed my brokenness. He took a girl, whom the world had deemed unworthy of love and condemned to always be white trash, and turned her into something beautiful and useful for His glory. He turned a stone-cold heart into love and compassion. He took the crazy and made it sane. He took the dark and made it light. He took the hope, the dream, and He fulfilled it.

When I walk across that stage in exactly one week, I will not regret or feel bad that it took me six years. I will not say, "Finally!" It was my journey to walk and without it, I would not be the Ashley Anne you know today. Without it, I would not know that my God is beside me all the way, as long as I turn to Him. Without it, I wouldn't be God's girl.

XOXO,

Ashley Anne

Redemption.

This is not a blog entry that is fun to write. In this entry, I have to share with you that I have failed, fallen short of the call that God has put on my life.

I battled an addiction to cutting and self-harm for 8 years. I remember the day I decided to quit cutting and how every minute felt like a battle. Then, I began counting hours and days. I failed numerous times and my count started over. Eventually, I was strong enough to make and reach the goal of 10 days sober. Then I added a zero to that and tried for 100 days, often failing and starting over. I celebrated at 100 days sober and again with each day that passed. After I hit my 2 year mark, I decided to add one more zero and make it to 1,000 days cut-free. This giant goal would be the symbolic victory that allowed me to believe for myself that I was a recovered cutter. For 871 days, I often doubted myself but kept clinging to the Lord to help me find who I am in Him and in His plan. I experienced support and love like never before through some very hard life "road blocks". 

Last week I had a total meltdown because I let the enemy get to me. Satan knows my weaknesses, the soft spots that sometimes keep me up at night. He knows how to push every little button and if I'm not careful, I am quick to fall into his trap. I'm in my internship phase for teacher licensure and I finally cracked from the pressure. I felt like a complete failure and everything from my past, both the circumstances of life and my own decisions, came back to my mind and flooded my heart with darkness. Long story short, in an emotional blackout, I broke my sober streak and resorted to cutting. 

This all came with the timing of an incredible job offer with a program that truly makes a difference in the lives of students through education. From the moment I heard about the program to the moment I received the offer, I felt a peace and conviction about this path that could only come from my Lord, Jesus Christ. With graduation approaching, I have so many options and avenues opening for the next phase of my life (which is quite an incredible blessing, by the way), but no idea how to navigate through all of it. I asked God to open and slam doors, to give me neon-lit signs along the way, and He delivered. I just know I'm supposed to take this job. After I resorted to cutting again, I thought it was all over. I couldn't see past the darkness of the blinders Satan was trying to distract me with. You see, the thing is, my God has already delivered me from everything in my past. He's taken me out of the harmful environment I grew up in and showed me a life of love. He's forgiven my sins and bad decisions and doesn't even remember them anymore! (Hebrews 8:12; Isaiah 43:25; Jeremiah 31:34) Satan wanted me to end in destruction, but I have hope, because I am human and we will all fall short sometimes. 

Romans 3:22-24 This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 

That's right, my redemption came through Christ Jesus. Redemption. He took my sins on and bore them in His own body that I might have life, and life most abundantly! He came to Earth and suffered so that I could become a teacher without shame and fulfill His Father's plan, taking the power of oppression away from Satan. My Jesus knows that I am a lowly sinner, and I know that as long as I run back to Him, He will welcome me with open arms and wash me white as snow. His plan is greater than my plan, His purpose above any I can imagine. (1 Peter 2:24; John 10:10; 1 Corinthians 16:23 MSG; Isaiah 1:18; Isaiah 55:8-9; Jeremiah 29:11-13)

We all mess up. We all fail and fall short, no matter how hard we try to be good or how close we walk with the Lord. We are human and we need our God. When His mercy, peace, and LOVE wash over you, have faith. Trust in Him and persevere, for He created us to bring him glory, according to His plan. I pray that you will ask God to take away any blinders of doubt or shame that Satan has put around your eyes. Ask your Heavenly Father to help you see, and He will. He is faithful, always. 

Pray for me, too? I might be back at day 1, but I believe I can make it to 1,000 because my Jesus does not label me a cutter. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. I believe there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus; He calls me friend. Through Him, I am redeemed; I have been set free. (1 Corinthians 6:17; John 15:15; Romans 8:1; Galatians 5:1)

Be Still,

Ashley Anne

Trust Me.

     As I was in church on Sunday, listening to my pastor's New Year's sermon about unkept resolutions, I was grinning because for two years I have successfully kept my resolutions. 2012 was my year to "Be Still." I made the resolution to daily make the choice to be still and spend some time listening to my Heavenly Father. I did a lot of talking in my very early walk and listening has changed my life. 2012 brought a growth in my relationship with the the Lord that still amazes me. Every day, I still make the effort to be still and it truly is the most refreshing, reassuring, humbling, calming, and exciting part of my life. In 2013, my resolution phrase was "Live Life." While part of 2012 was spent being still, every other waking minute, and some of the minutes I was supposed to be sleeping, were spent getting my life back on track. In 2011, I had seriously derailed from my life plan and hit total rock bottom. 2012 was spent trying to once again pursue my dreams. I spent countless hours in the library and practice rooms trying to catch up academically; I went back to being a music major after failing out and then taking some time off, resulting in 14 classes that first semester because I was so behind. I had a lot to prove to myself and to everyone who said I was making the wrong decision for my life. I made a 4.0 and got my music major skills back up to par, but it came at a price. I had no life. I lived alone and I was so focused on my studies that I didn't make many real friends. So, in 2013, after much prayer and feeling grounded in my academic success and once-familiar work ethic, I decided that I was going to take every opportunity to live life. Any chance to hang out with classmates or colleagues, an opportunity to try something new, a seminar invitation that might have previously never made my agenda, an invaluable but volunteer internship that logic said I didn't have time for, any time my kitties wanted to cuddle, was taken. I became better than ever at time management and self-care in order to live life to the max while still staying on-course for my goals and responsibilities. 

     I successfully completed two years' worth of resolutions because they were life changing mantras directed by the Holy Spirit through prayer. I had help. As I thought about this during the sermon, I realized that I had NO idea what my 2014 resolution should be. My prayer for the next several days became, "Lord, what do you want from me in the next year? Guide my path." 

     I didn't get an answer before the shiny ball dropped at midnight. I didn't even get an answer on January 1st, but I kept on praying. I know that 2014 will be an exciting year for me. If I keep working my booty off, I will FINALLY graduate with my Bachelor's degree and state teacher's licensure in May. I'm in the midst of making up 3 months worth of guitar and piano practice in 3 weeks and applying for several teacher programs and district positions while studying for my final Praxis exams and preparing for my student-teaching internship. I literally have no idea where I might be this time next year, and to this control freak, that's a pretty scary thing. The one thing I do know is that Satan has built up obstacle after obstacle and the Lord has continuously and faithfully knocked down every single one. Every. Single. One. Unfair administrative red tape, health issues, financial pits, emotional despair, every single one. So for 2014, the Lord finally whispered to me His request, "Trust Me." 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." -- Joshua 1:9

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." -- Psalm 9:10

"But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." -- Psalm 31:14

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." -- Proverbs 3:5-6

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -- Jeremiah 29:11-13

And finally, my wish and my prayer for anyone else needing to trust this year: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." -- Romans 15:13

Be still and trust,

Ashley Anne

Father's Day

I used to ignore Mother's Day and Father's Day. At first I would hide all day on these occasions. I wouldn't leave my dorm room, wouldn't get on social media, nothing. I would hide from the pain I just knew I would experience if I acknowledged these holidays even existed. I eventually got over my hiding phase and just decided to live my life as if I was living any other Sunday in May/June. I would ignore the fact that everyone else was acknowledging these special occasions. Then God placed some ridiculously awesome women in my life and as I grew closer to them, I built what I like to call my "pack of mamas." I have four women I am blessed to call my "core mamas." These brave women have seen me through some of my darkest days, and I think they're going to stick around for the sunshine that's coming (it's already peeking through the clouds!). I also have plenty of "peripheral mamas" who I may not be as close to, but they have influenced me in ways they may never fully know. Over time, I began to acknowledge my new mama influences on Mother's Day and have done so for a few years now.

Everyone knows that I have hardcore "mommy issues" but not many know about my "daddy issues" because I don't like to talk about them. Someone actually told me once they felt my mother damaged me more than my father, but I honestly don't know which one I hate the most. (Yeah, I'm still working on that whole forgiveness thing...) As a woman, I've related to all these mamas much more than I've ever related to any man. However, my life has changed this past year: I've started having serious romantic relationships and that's a scary thing for a girl with my past!

I was brought up with poor male role models (that's being generous) and I was taught from the female side to have very low expectations and self-esteem. My teenage years came with a lot of bad boyfriends because of it. Then I decided to clean up my life and to do so, I temporarily stopped dating. This past year, I've been blessed to get to know two really great guys. I had a pretty serious relationship with one and I fell hard and fast for the other (but not at the same time!). Although these relationships "ended" (we're still friends), they were generally positive and healthy romantic relationships.

I think my view on men/relationships changed and my expectations were raised because through the years, God has put some ridiculously awesome men in my life as well. Some of my female mentors and role models are married to equally awesome dudes! These men have taught me things through example when they probably didn't even realize I was intently observing them. These men have shown me what it means to be Godly men, husbands, and fathers, both within their homes and in the public eye. To you, I say thank you. Thank you for teaching me that daughters are precious treasures to be cherished, held, and loved. Thank you for teaching me that wives are to be respected and adored. Thank you for showing me that there are men like you out there and that I should hold out for the man I deserve, the man God has designed especially to fill my dreams. Happy Father's Day!!! You deserve the acknowledgement.

The Power of the Cross

Have you ever been driving down the road, listening to some wholesome radio, and a song comes on that just moves you to tears? That happened to me today with a song called The Power of the Cross. I won't even try to explain it, just listen to it and I bet the words will touch you the same and you'll see what I mean.

Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.

This, the pow'r of the cross:
Christ became sin for us;
Took the blame, bore the wrath-
We stand forgiven at the cross.

Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face,
Bearing the awesome weight of sin.
Ev'ry bitter thought,
Ev'ry evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow. 

Now the daylight flees;
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
"Finished!" the vict'ry cry. 

Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death;
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.

This, the pow'r of the cross:
Son of God-slain for us.
What a love! What a cost! 
We stand forgiven at the cross.

This time two years ago, I was overwhelmed with the Holy Spirit at a night-before Easter service. I rededicated my life to Jesus Christ and made the decision to be baptized as an adult. Standing in the baptismal prep area, I remember one of the pastors cautioning the lot of us who had been touched to take this step to heart, to make it not just an "Easter miracle" but something that lasts the rest of our lives. What happened to me that night was genuine, and boy what a difference it has made in my life!

Now, I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 6 years old. Some people laugh at that, but I still vividly remember that day and I know that it, too, was genuine. When I look back at my life, I can see clear moments when God was obviously walking beside me, protecting me. My life has been a bit...chaotic, if you will. A lot of hurt has left me with more than my fair share of scars. As a young adult, I still claimed Christ and I tried to be a "good Christian", but I honestly didn't know who He was in my heart, nor did I understand His immense love for me.

2 years ago, I had just dropped out of college, and not for the first time. I was greatly suffering from the effects of severe Bipolar Disorder and Psychosis mixed with an addiction to cutting. The few supportive people in my life were at their wit's end and didn't know what to do. I was scared by what was happening to me, I felt alone, and I was probably the biggest mess you've ever seen. If I hadn't found a ministry home for girls like me, I very likely would have been homeless. I was completely and 100% broken and at rock bottom.

Because of JESUS CHRIST, I can honestly say that I don't even recognize that girl today. She seems like a distant memory. The last two years have brought total healing. I am a happy, healthy, and whole person. I'm back in school and doing very well, if I may say so myself. I have been off medications for over a year and have been cut-free for 18 months. I still have life struggles and I am still dealing with the cards I've been dealt, but I no longer feel like I'm drowning. I HAVE HOPE and that hope comes from no one but my GOD! Once I opened my adult heart, Jesus walked in and made me feel like that loved 6-year-old again. It is hard to explain, but it's like I met a totally new Jesus and the more I get to know Him, the stronger I become. 

Oh to see my name written in the wound 
For through Your suf‘fring I am free 
Death is crushed to death, life is mine to live 
Won through Your selfless love 

This Easter, I'm thinking about the power of the cross. MY NAME was written in His wound. He took the death that was suffocating me and crushed it. He has given me a life to live for Him. I can't even begin to explain the emotions that flood over me when I think about the redemption I've experienced the last couple of years. The only word is LOVE. Deep, pure, selfless love. Christ died for YOU and me, and He brings redemption to even the most broken of us. To HIM be the power, the honor, and the glory FOREVER.

Stand forgiven at the cross this Easter. He's waiting for you.

Be Still,

Ashley Anne

Turn on the Prayer

Being a music major taking 10 classes plus rehearsals and recitals galore, combined with practice, homework, and study time, teaching lessons, maintaining personal relationships, interning at a church, exercising, and, of course, being a responsible adult with never-ending paperwork, bills, and to-do lists, my life gets ridiculously busy. Like, ridiculously. I know that several of you can understand. We live in a society that is constantly on the go and is moving faster each day. In a world of constant communication via all of our technological "advances" and devices, I sometimes forget where the most important communication should be: with our Creator and Father. I regretfully admit that sometimes I turn on my electronic devices more than I do the prayer line.

A couple of weeks ago, I was still about an hour out coming home from a mini road-trip when my phone died. Terrible timing if something would've happened, but good timing because I was held captive in my car with no phone and no radio. After trying to think through my scrambled thoughts a bit, I decided to just start singing some praises, alone in my car. But then I realized I wasn't alone; the One I was praising was right there with me. It occurred to me that when I get so caught up in today's world, with our day-to-day business and our technology, I do not acknowledge the true magnificence of the Holy Spirit that walks beside me through it all, even when I fail to notice His presence.

Last week I had trouble with my computer and it ended up in the shop at what I thought was the most awful time. You see, I had my first music history test of the semester (which is a grueling big deal) and I needed my computer for looking at my notes, listening to the examples, etc. I also had no idea how to get my computer to and from the shop 45 minutes away (and that's without any traffic) because of my hectic schedule.

*God enters stage right*

He took care of me! He used the people that He has placed in my life to help me get my computer fixed. In the meantime, He reminded me to utilize the library at my school for studying, which actually kept me more focused; I even made a 100% on the test!

At nights without my "sounds of nature" Youtube video to help me fall asleep, I spent more time than usual talking to God instead. I decided to listen more, too, and He sang me to sleep- no joke! 

I tell you these two anecdotes to say this: while our technology has many benefits, don't become so dependent on it that it interferes with your quality time with God. Don't forget that God is your friend without Facebook, He follows you without a Twitter, he sees your life without Instagram, He knows your thoughts without Blogspot. ;) While we live our busy lives, don't forget that it is all for His glory and His plan and don't forget that He loves YOU! 

Be Still,

Ashley Anne

New Year's, again!

Sometimes, disappointment can lead to deeper understanding. Other times, it may lead to a New Year's Resolution.

The first thing you should know about me is that I am a hopeless romantic and a dreamer, and combined it is a deadly weapon to any man attempting to earn my heart.

This New Year's would be my first midnight kiss if my boyfriend and I ended up in the same place. He had to be at home 2ish hours away, and I understood that, so I drove down on New Year's Eve. After spending the afternoon and evening with his family, we had 45 minutes until midnight. His brother took us to a close gas station for late night munchies and drinks and we came back. With about ten minutes to go, they decide to stay out for a smoke while I came in to get warm.

I really hate the smoking- the smell, the taste when he kisses me, the things its doing to his body, how that may impact our future, etc. and he knows it. I came in thinking, why couldn't they wait just ten more minutes? He said he'd come in early enough to clean up to kiss me. I doubted that, but let it go, naively wanting to believe him.

Now I had envisioned us doing the whole countdown thing, watching the ball drop, and having that perfect romantic kiss to end one year and begin another. The moment you see in movies, right?

Wrong. We couldn't watch the ball drop this year so we were just hanging out watching our cell phones for midnight. The final moments of 2012 were not spent smiling and counting down with excitement, but in anger and disappointment and hurt as I watched my boyfriend at the sink cleaning his mouth until the last second (even seconds after the clock turned). While I am certainly glad he did not kiss me with cigarette mouth, it was not the moment I had imagined. I felt hurt that he didn't care as much about the moment as I did. I felt hurt that he "didn't think about it." I was disappointed in myself for setting up these romantic notions in my head. That's not real life. The sappy girl in me thought, "Oh well. Let it go" and hoped, "Maybe next year."

Then it occurred to me: what if there is no next year?

What if something should happen to me, or him, or our relationship? What if other things in our lives and situations change?

And then, I FINALLY came up with my 2013 resolution.

Last year, I decided to "Be Still" more and spend more time with God. I made the effort and it has changed my life. This year, I plan to continue that relationship AND invest more in my other relationships. Live in the here and now and make the most of every single moment. Stop worrying about being so perfect and so uptight all the time. Stop working so dang hard. LOL. What if there's not another chance?

I know it sounds cliche, but it's ringing in my head and, hopefully, by this time next year, my heart.

Be still, 

Ashley Anne

PS- Checkout these CATS acting out the most common New Year's resolution. Number 5 looks familiar. ;) 

Thanksgiving

I hate holidays.
But that may be changing.

I don't know why I despise the holiday season as much as I do. I can't decide if I'm bitter, angry, sad, or some mixture of these emotions and more.

Last Thanksgiving I didn't do anything. I stayed alone in my apartment most of the day and went to see the new Twilight movie by myself. That was my day. And before you start thinking, "Poor girl," I should tell you that I had an offer of somewhere to go, I was just being a butthead.

I was tired of doing something different every year with different groups of people that I didn't really know, jumping on any offer to join in on another family's festivities.  I was tired of feeling like an outcast and being the odd girl that was there because some mama in the hosting family felt sorry for me. I hated feeling the panic of being in a new (and often large) social setting (which happens to me on normal days, not just holidays) and I hated the emotions it brought up. I was angry that my parents, especially my mother, were craptastic people who made bad decisions and ruined my life. I was sad because I missed my Granny (who passed away when I was twelve), my siblings, etc. I was mad at myself because I even missed my mom. I was bitter and afraid that I may never have the family and the traditions that my heart so desired. So, I decided to abandon the holidays all together until I could have that stability.

This year, I see potential in the holidays. I see beauty in everything. I was at the square on the night they launched the Christmas lights and it was a little magical wonderland with carriage rides, hot chocolate, and musicians on every corner; last year I would've just complained about being cold or something. I noticed the trees changing this year and the leaves blowing around make me feel like Mary Poppins or something; last year I would've just complained about hating fall. I'm putting up my baby tree tomorrow! I didn't put out any of my decorations last year. My outlook is only a reflection of my new healthy mentality and my closer walk with God. He doesn't want me to be miserable. Anyway...

This year, I had six offers for Thanksgiving. My initial plans were very exciting. I was going with my boyfriend to meet his extended family on a not-so-big holiday (as compared to Christmas) and I was stoked! Most of my excitement came from the fact that I was so in love and wanted to meet his family, but a little part of me was super excited because I really thought that this might be the year I find my family and traditions to be a part of. I wanted to marry this boy and I was lost in future la-la land.

Then, the boy and I broke up. It has been devastating. I made the call but I didn't want to, so it hurts. I was then faced with the thought of Thanksgiving again. Should I take a different offer and, if so, which one? Should I just be a grouch again and stay home studying? I decided to go with one of my SG mentors. She was hosting her family's Thanksgiving at her house. I'm comfortable there and I have spent a little bit of time with almost everyone who came, so I figured it was my safest bet.

Guess what? I had a BLAST! For the first time maybe ever, I didn't have any feelings of panic today. I didn't want to run out the door at any point in time. I never once felt super awkward or out of place. It was a chilled-out day full of laughter, good food, movies and games. I was included in the very intense Fantasy Rock-Paper-Scissors Tournament and I won.

I learned today that it's ok to join in holiday fun, even though my holidays may not be as stable and traditional as I would like. Perhaps one day, I will be the matriarch of my own family and I will get to provide that for everyone else. For now, maybe God's showing me lots of different traditions so I can make informed decisions when my turn comes.

And I believe it's coming! All of these desires in my heart are not random. I believe now that God has a beautiful future for me that includes my very own HEALTHY family. I still hope that that particular ex-boyfriend gets his act together, but even if he and I don't work out, that relationship taught me that there are men out there who will accept my baggage and love me for the person I am now.

These past few holiday seasons have just been life-changing. I've seen how normal, healthy families function. I've seen some pretty cool traditions. I've felt love. I've laughed a lot. I've realized that all of that really can be mine someday. Now I'm just waiting for God to reveal my perfect Prince Charming. :)

Enjoy this holiday season and don't forget to take some time to Be Still,

Ashley Anne

Film of the World

Sometimes I get this overwhelming need to get away and clear my head at that very moment, which usually means a trip to the city park. Sometimes, I just sit there a couple of minutes and then think, "Hmm. I can go home now." On the other hand, I've also been known to sit there for hours.

I've been at home, in my bed, sick for three days now. This evening I was feeling a bit better, and I felt the need to clear my head and get some fresh air. It was that fall-kind-of-gorgeous outside, so naturally, I headed to the park just in time to watch the sunset. No phone, no laptop, no books, just me and God. And my car. As I parked it, I just happened to have a great view of the sun setting over one section of my favorite park. Rather than lug out my crazy-creek and blankets (it's starting to get that fall-kind-of-cold!), I thought it might just be easier and warmer to sit in my car and watch the scene around me. After all, I was pretty tired and weak feeling...I blame the flu, right? I was sitting there in silence (a rare commodity for a music major!), thinking to myself about the awesomeness of God's artistic side. I can't tell you how many sunsets I've watched from this park and this time something felt "off." The scene around me was "pretty," but not the "beautiful" I remembered. Then I realized I was seeing it through a different "lens" this time...my windshield.

Now, let me describe my windshield- it's dirty. Like, really dirty. Dirty on the outside, dirty on the inside, and the last time I tried to clean it I just smeared all that gunk around. Grossed out yet? Me too. Maybe I should do something about that tomorrow. The point is, my windshield had this thick film on it and it was fogging my view of God's beautiful masterpiece. I realized that the world produces a similar foggy film that blocks my view of God when I allow it to.

How often do you look at God's masterpieces through the film of the world? This question really hit me hard. I often get so caught up in the world- my obligations, relationships, responsibilities, people's expectations, fitting in, etc- and I forget where my focus should be. God gave me this life and these relationships; I should not see them as this never-ending, stressful to-do list. I should keep my eyes focused on Him by making time to spend with Him and just do everything to the best of my ability with the goal of bringing Him glory. God created the world I live in and despite all of the sin and drama, it is beautiful! The trees I walk past everyday are beautiful. The family playing in the park is beautiful. The music I'm so privileged to study is beautiful. My neighbors cranking their heavy-bass rap music at 2 a.m. are beautiful. My kitty is beautiful. The relationships I have with my friends and "family" are beautiful gifts. I am beautiful. That's right- God made me in His image and I am His beautiful masterpiece. I may not be beautiful through the film of the world (I recently had a couple of girlfriends kinda bash me for my hair on a few occasions and another person told me my style was "so Plain-Jane" that I should hire a stylist before leaving my house again), but I was reminded tonight that I don't have to see myself or my surroundings through that foggy film; I can see things through the eyes of Christ, if I only remember to be still in Him.

Ashley Anne

It's All About Saving Grace...

Hello! This is a "promo blog" for this really cool event I think you should attend!! And here's why, in a nut shell:

Point of Grace is AWESOME and has AWESOME music praising our AWESOME Jesus!
And, Saving Grace is an AWESOME ministry reaching some AWESOME girls in the name of our AWESOME Jesus! :D

But, for reals, this event is very near and dear to my heart. Here's why, in a slightly larger nutshell. :)

Growing up, my father was a Southern Baptist preacher. That in itself is a wonderful thing, a blessed calling from God. The problem is that he didn't lead that life behind closed doors. I used to think that all my hurts came from my mother, but a lot of my "daddy issues" have recently been surfacing. Anywho, by the time I was a teenager, the only view of God and church that I had was centered around my father. Let's just say my view of God was seriously warped. Over the years, God has blessed me with a handful of "mama hens,"my "angels" if you will. The first one was one of my high school teachers. God used her strong faith to help lead me back to him. At age 15, she gave me The Message and gave me scripture to read. I went to church with her sometimes and even sang there a few times. One of the songs that she and I sang together was "Yes, I Believe" by Point of Grace. I can't tell you how many times I listened to that song in the process of getting it performance ready. Over time, God really began to speak to me through that song and, because God uses music to speak to my spirit, it helped me feel what it meant to own my newly forming faith. One night, I was alone and singing through it and I just started crying. That was the moment I declared for myself, "Yes, I believe."
(If you've never heard the song, check it out here.)

Secondly, the ministry of Saving Grace has changed my life. In March of 2011, I was at the lowest I think I've been, maybe ever. One of my other "mama hens" told me about this ministry she heard about around the time she met me nearly two years earlier. Desperate, I went to the website of Saving Grace (found here) to check them out. I watched a video from the founders and the song Saving Grace by Point of Grace brought me to tears. I prayed about it and God said to give them a call. I agreed, but I had my own condition. I said, "God, you get one phone call. Whatever happens from this one phone call is what's going to happen." One phone call is all it took. I was patched through to the founding lady herself and she actually remembered who I was from a conversation with that "mama hen" two years earlier. She said to me, "Girl, I have been praying for you for two years!" I had an interview that afternoon and moved in the following week. I lived there for 5 months and have now been on my own again for over a year. Through the program, I've met some of the most amazing women, many of them now my closest friends and/or mentors. I've seen brave girls do bold things. I've seen selfless love at it's finest. I've seen ridiculously hilarious, well, ridiculousness, but it's so much fun. I've seen Jesus change hearts, including my own. This ministry is growing everyday and I am telling you, it's worth supporting.

So, if you like AWESOME music and AWESOME people for an AWESOME cause, check it out! You can get tickets here and if you enter the promo code POG, you can get the cheapest tickets for just $15. Help us pack the house? It's gonna be a good time!

Be still,

Ashley Anne