Thanksgiving

I hate holidays.
But that may be changing.

I don't know why I despise the holiday season as much as I do. I can't decide if I'm bitter, angry, sad, or some mixture of these emotions and more.

Last Thanksgiving I didn't do anything. I stayed alone in my apartment most of the day and went to see the new Twilight movie by myself. That was my day. And before you start thinking, "Poor girl," I should tell you that I had an offer of somewhere to go, I was just being a butthead.

I was tired of doing something different every year with different groups of people that I didn't really know, jumping on any offer to join in on another family's festivities.  I was tired of feeling like an outcast and being the odd girl that was there because some mama in the hosting family felt sorry for me. I hated feeling the panic of being in a new (and often large) social setting (which happens to me on normal days, not just holidays) and I hated the emotions it brought up. I was angry that my parents, especially my mother, were craptastic people who made bad decisions and ruined my life. I was sad because I missed my Granny (who passed away when I was twelve), my siblings, etc. I was mad at myself because I even missed my mom. I was bitter and afraid that I may never have the family and the traditions that my heart so desired. So, I decided to abandon the holidays all together until I could have that stability.

This year, I see potential in the holidays. I see beauty in everything. I was at the square on the night they launched the Christmas lights and it was a little magical wonderland with carriage rides, hot chocolate, and musicians on every corner; last year I would've just complained about being cold or something. I noticed the trees changing this year and the leaves blowing around make me feel like Mary Poppins or something; last year I would've just complained about hating fall. I'm putting up my baby tree tomorrow! I didn't put out any of my decorations last year. My outlook is only a reflection of my new healthy mentality and my closer walk with God. He doesn't want me to be miserable. Anyway...

This year, I had six offers for Thanksgiving. My initial plans were very exciting. I was going with my boyfriend to meet his extended family on a not-so-big holiday (as compared to Christmas) and I was stoked! Most of my excitement came from the fact that I was so in love and wanted to meet his family, but a little part of me was super excited because I really thought that this might be the year I find my family and traditions to be a part of. I wanted to marry this boy and I was lost in future la-la land.

Then, the boy and I broke up. It has been devastating. I made the call but I didn't want to, so it hurts. I was then faced with the thought of Thanksgiving again. Should I take a different offer and, if so, which one? Should I just be a grouch again and stay home studying? I decided to go with one of my SG mentors. She was hosting her family's Thanksgiving at her house. I'm comfortable there and I have spent a little bit of time with almost everyone who came, so I figured it was my safest bet.

Guess what? I had a BLAST! For the first time maybe ever, I didn't have any feelings of panic today. I didn't want to run out the door at any point in time. I never once felt super awkward or out of place. It was a chilled-out day full of laughter, good food, movies and games. I was included in the very intense Fantasy Rock-Paper-Scissors Tournament and I won.

I learned today that it's ok to join in holiday fun, even though my holidays may not be as stable and traditional as I would like. Perhaps one day, I will be the matriarch of my own family and I will get to provide that for everyone else. For now, maybe God's showing me lots of different traditions so I can make informed decisions when my turn comes.

And I believe it's coming! All of these desires in my heart are not random. I believe now that God has a beautiful future for me that includes my very own HEALTHY family. I still hope that that particular ex-boyfriend gets his act together, but even if he and I don't work out, that relationship taught me that there are men out there who will accept my baggage and love me for the person I am now.

These past few holiday seasons have just been life-changing. I've seen how normal, healthy families function. I've seen some pretty cool traditions. I've felt love. I've laughed a lot. I've realized that all of that really can be mine someday. Now I'm just waiting for God to reveal my perfect Prince Charming. :)

Enjoy this holiday season and don't forget to take some time to Be Still,

Ashley Anne

Film of the World

Sometimes I get this overwhelming need to get away and clear my head at that very moment, which usually means a trip to the city park. Sometimes, I just sit there a couple of minutes and then think, "Hmm. I can go home now." On the other hand, I've also been known to sit there for hours.

I've been at home, in my bed, sick for three days now. This evening I was feeling a bit better, and I felt the need to clear my head and get some fresh air. It was that fall-kind-of-gorgeous outside, so naturally, I headed to the park just in time to watch the sunset. No phone, no laptop, no books, just me and God. And my car. As I parked it, I just happened to have a great view of the sun setting over one section of my favorite park. Rather than lug out my crazy-creek and blankets (it's starting to get that fall-kind-of-cold!), I thought it might just be easier and warmer to sit in my car and watch the scene around me. After all, I was pretty tired and weak feeling...I blame the flu, right? I was sitting there in silence (a rare commodity for a music major!), thinking to myself about the awesomeness of God's artistic side. I can't tell you how many sunsets I've watched from this park and this time something felt "off." The scene around me was "pretty," but not the "beautiful" I remembered. Then I realized I was seeing it through a different "lens" this time...my windshield.

Now, let me describe my windshield- it's dirty. Like, really dirty. Dirty on the outside, dirty on the inside, and the last time I tried to clean it I just smeared all that gunk around. Grossed out yet? Me too. Maybe I should do something about that tomorrow. The point is, my windshield had this thick film on it and it was fogging my view of God's beautiful masterpiece. I realized that the world produces a similar foggy film that blocks my view of God when I allow it to.

How often do you look at God's masterpieces through the film of the world? This question really hit me hard. I often get so caught up in the world- my obligations, relationships, responsibilities, people's expectations, fitting in, etc- and I forget where my focus should be. God gave me this life and these relationships; I should not see them as this never-ending, stressful to-do list. I should keep my eyes focused on Him by making time to spend with Him and just do everything to the best of my ability with the goal of bringing Him glory. God created the world I live in and despite all of the sin and drama, it is beautiful! The trees I walk past everyday are beautiful. The family playing in the park is beautiful. The music I'm so privileged to study is beautiful. My neighbors cranking their heavy-bass rap music at 2 a.m. are beautiful. My kitty is beautiful. The relationships I have with my friends and "family" are beautiful gifts. I am beautiful. That's right- God made me in His image and I am His beautiful masterpiece. I may not be beautiful through the film of the world (I recently had a couple of girlfriends kinda bash me for my hair on a few occasions and another person told me my style was "so Plain-Jane" that I should hire a stylist before leaving my house again), but I was reminded tonight that I don't have to see myself or my surroundings through that foggy film; I can see things through the eyes of Christ, if I only remember to be still in Him.

Ashley Anne

It's All About Saving Grace...

Hello! This is a "promo blog" for this really cool event I think you should attend!! And here's why, in a nut shell:

Point of Grace is AWESOME and has AWESOME music praising our AWESOME Jesus!
And, Saving Grace is an AWESOME ministry reaching some AWESOME girls in the name of our AWESOME Jesus! :D

But, for reals, this event is very near and dear to my heart. Here's why, in a slightly larger nutshell. :)

Growing up, my father was a Southern Baptist preacher. That in itself is a wonderful thing, a blessed calling from God. The problem is that he didn't lead that life behind closed doors. I used to think that all my hurts came from my mother, but a lot of my "daddy issues" have recently been surfacing. Anywho, by the time I was a teenager, the only view of God and church that I had was centered around my father. Let's just say my view of God was seriously warped. Over the years, God has blessed me with a handful of "mama hens,"my "angels" if you will. The first one was one of my high school teachers. God used her strong faith to help lead me back to him. At age 15, she gave me The Message and gave me scripture to read. I went to church with her sometimes and even sang there a few times. One of the songs that she and I sang together was "Yes, I Believe" by Point of Grace. I can't tell you how many times I listened to that song in the process of getting it performance ready. Over time, God really began to speak to me through that song and, because God uses music to speak to my spirit, it helped me feel what it meant to own my newly forming faith. One night, I was alone and singing through it and I just started crying. That was the moment I declared for myself, "Yes, I believe."
(If you've never heard the song, check it out here.)

Secondly, the ministry of Saving Grace has changed my life. In March of 2011, I was at the lowest I think I've been, maybe ever. One of my other "mama hens" told me about this ministry she heard about around the time she met me nearly two years earlier. Desperate, I went to the website of Saving Grace (found here) to check them out. I watched a video from the founders and the song Saving Grace by Point of Grace brought me to tears. I prayed about it and God said to give them a call. I agreed, but I had my own condition. I said, "God, you get one phone call. Whatever happens from this one phone call is what's going to happen." One phone call is all it took. I was patched through to the founding lady herself and she actually remembered who I was from a conversation with that "mama hen" two years earlier. She said to me, "Girl, I have been praying for you for two years!" I had an interview that afternoon and moved in the following week. I lived there for 5 months and have now been on my own again for over a year. Through the program, I've met some of the most amazing women, many of them now my closest friends and/or mentors. I've seen brave girls do bold things. I've seen selfless love at it's finest. I've seen ridiculously hilarious, well, ridiculousness, but it's so much fun. I've seen Jesus change hearts, including my own. This ministry is growing everyday and I am telling you, it's worth supporting.

So, if you like AWESOME music and AWESOME people for an AWESOME cause, check it out! You can get tickets here and if you enter the promo code POG, you can get the cheapest tickets for just $15. Help us pack the house? It's gonna be a good time!

Be still,

Ashley Anne

Accountability

At the beginning of the school year, one of my professors talked to us about the power of speaking your goals aloud. He decided to do this fitness challenge over the summer, so he told his sisters about it for accountability's sake. He wasn't doing it as a "look at me and what I'm doing" statement, but because sharing his goal with somebody made it all the more real and made him more accountable. I heard this mini-lecture twice and it stuck with me.

All summer, my battle with bi-polar disorder and an addiction to cutting had been going so well. I am more successful now than ever...and happier...and all that jazz. Then fall classes got back into full swing and, as I approached my one-year sobriety point, I started really struggling again. It doesn't really make sense to me- maybe it's just more stress, maybe it's a mind game; I've said for so long that when I FINALLY reach the one year mark, I can really say, "See ya later, cutting!" So, naturally, as my goal gets closer, Satan is going to try to once again bring me down with all he's got.

I've been openly posting my own little hashtag countdown on Facebook and I shared my struggle with my inspirational chorale at school. Last week somebody asked me why I was talking about it with the people I see everyday. The answer is simple: accountability. In the final days of this goal-reaching struggle, I knew that making it known how close I was would make it that much harder for me to fail. Accountability, even in the most mild forms (like a hashtag countdown) can help someone so much. Speaking your goals aloud makes them more real and, for me, more achievable.

I am now 3 days away from reaching one year and I know my strength comes from my Lord! Thanks for holding me accountable friends, whether you know you are doing it or not. :)

Await the celebratory blog post in 3 days....it's gonna be big. :D

In the meantime, pray I remember to Be Still in Him,

Ashley Anne

Realization from a little operetta...

I have a voice lesson every Tuesday at 4:00 pm. My head is often spinning from rushing from one class to another all day and then through traffic to reach my teacher's home. I study with the bloody best voice teacher and opera performer, well, ever. (Can I say that? It makes me feel like Ron Weasley).  I love my lessons, because even though I often feel inadequate and unprepared, she always encourages me and I walk out with my feet once again steady on the ground, contemplating the things we work on every single week. When a concept finally clicks, I'm so proud of myself. I've been working on a beautiful French poem set to music by Gabriel Faure (1845-1924) called Ici-bas! I am singing it in French, of course, but here is my English interpretation:

"Here, all the lilacs die.

Here, the songs of the birds are short.

I dream of summers that last forever.

Here, the lips lightly touch,

but they have lost their sweetness.

I dream of kisses that last forever.

Here, every man weeps over a lost friend or lover.

I dream of lovers that last forever.

Lovers that last forever...

That last...forever."

The pitches are in my memory. My rhythm is fine. I know all of the words and pronounce them correctly. I got a little pat on the back for being "correct" but today I was pushed; I was challenged to "deeply feel" the song. For my teacher, feeling the music is her source of expressive inspiration. For me, I have to relate to text. I need to feel what I am singing about. The poem and the music are both beautiful, but today I had to think of how on earth I was going to relate to the author. I tried to think of a time when I felt like I was in a different world, a sad world...

I thought back to when I was 16 and placed in foster care. The judge put me on house arrest, not as a punishment, but to protect me. I felt cheated! It was unfair that I was being isolated in the middle of nowhere when I didn't do anything wrong! I couldn't go to school when school was my personal sanctuary (I had all of my work sent to me..."home bound" they called it). I had always believed that education would be my ticket to "overcome my raising" and "break the cycle" and all that jazz. The point is, I wanted a different life and I worked my booty off at school because, early on, I realized it was the key! And that goal kept me focused and grounded. But now, my whole world had come crashing down and I had nothing to do but spend my days sitting by  this little creek in the woods. I admit, it was gorgeous!! But I felt like I think the author of this poem might have felt. In this world, everything that was once good has now been lost. Everything is shriveled and hopeless. And I, being stuck there, experienced this sadness all the time. However, I dreamt of a day when hope would be restored. I dreamt of a day when life would turn beautiful again. 

You know what? Today I have the joy of singing this song and thinking back on the time when I felt that way to draw my inspiration. Yes, I have to think BACKWARDS! I have taken many steps forwards (and backwards) since sitting along that creek 6 years ago, but today it hit me: God is SO incredibly faithful! I am finally in my senior year of college! I am almost done, y'all! I am pursuing my passion and I love every minute of it! I am happy and healthy, a big feat! My bi-polar disorder is very well managed at this point (without the zombie drugs!) and I am just 15 days shy of being cut-free for an entire year! I have several healthy and encouraging relationships with the greatest mentors, friends, and the sweetest boyfriend a girl could ask for. But most importantly, my walk with my heavenly Father is stronger than it's ever been and it's only His strength that has brought me this far. He is the one who has restored my hope. I feel like a completely different person, many people have made comments about how "different" I am, and today I realized it's because I am a completely different person. And for that, I just wanted to give God a great big shout out and a great big thank you. He is SO good, y'all. So good. Those dreams hidden within a scared and hurting teenager are well on their way to being fulfilled. I have to actually look backwards to find those hopeless feelings that used to be so prevalent ALL the time. Wow. Wow, wow, WOW.  

Be still,

Ashley Anne :)

A Perspective on Women

God is so good. All the time. Even when we don't always see it.

I just felt like I needed to open with that, because I often forget. Right now, I have been so blessed to meet a very sweet guy. We've been dating for several weeks now and we've already hit some rough patches. We've both been taking some time to really dig in to God's purpose for each of us as individuals and then the future He may have for us as a couple under the guidance of the Holy Spirit and my sweet mama mentor acting as Godly-counsel. I'm praising God tonight because after at least a solid week of having rough emotional roller-coasters and plenty of moments feeling stuck and not knowing what to do, the Lord's work is starting to become much more evident, though it's been going on all along. He's had His hand in EVERY step forward and every mis-step in some other direction, I've just been too wrapped up in my own head to notice.

My sweet guy sent me this story; it's something he came across and it put a new spin on the way we both see women. I thought I'd share it because it really hit my heart. I'm not sure where it came from, so if you know the credentials, please comment so I can add them! It's a beautiful perspective:

“When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him from the dust of the Earth and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over himso I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Manwas put to sleep so that he could not interfere withthe creativity. From one bone I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects man’s life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do.”

Around this one bone I shaped you. I modeled you. I created you perfectly and beautifully. Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicateand fragile. You provide protection for the mostdelicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is thecenter of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage supports the body.

You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side. You are my perfect angel. You are my beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill when I see the virtue in your heart. Your eyes: don’t change them. Your lips: how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose so perfect in form, your hands so gentle to touch. I’ve caressed your face in your deepest sleep; I’ve held your heart close to mine. Of all that lives and breathes, you are the most like me.

Adam walked with me in the cool of the day and yet he was lonely. He could not see me or touch me. He could only feel me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you: my holiness, my strength, my purity, my love, my protection and support. You are special because you are the extension of me.

Man represents my image, woman – my emotions. Together, you represent the totality of God. So man: treat woman well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. In hurting her, you hurt me. What you do to her, you do to me. In crushing her, you only damage your own heart, the heart of your Father and the heart of her Father. Woman, support man. In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you. In gentle quietness show your strength. In love, show him that you are the rib that protects his inner self.”

I love this. I pray that someday, when I marry the man God created me for, I will be the earthly support he needs, reflecting the love and strength of our heavenly father, from whom all blessings flow. He is the one who gifted me with my strength and compassion and a life that fostered these qualities. I pray that my husband will be a strong spiritual leader and provider to a household we prosper together. I pray that we will be vessels for God's plan and that our relationship brings glory to Him. And whether my current boyfriend becomes my husband someday or not, I'm thankful for what God is teaching us as part of His plan.


Be Still, 


Ashley Anne :)

My Redeemer Lives!!!

"He lives to take away my shame
And He lives, forever I'll proclaim
That the payment for my sins
Was the precious life He gave
And now He's alive and
There's an empty grave!

And I know
My Redeemer, He lives
I know my Redeemer lives!
Let all creation testify
Let this life within me cry
I know my Redeemer lives!!"

(If you don't know the song, check it out: My Redeemer Lives, Nicole Mullen)

This song has been stuck in my head for weeks now. I had the joy of being involved in my church's Easter choir and this song always seemed to be the one that stuck in my head, day and night, even above all of the music I'm learning for classes this semester.

Last Easter, I was baptized and really and truly began the relationship with God that I have now. I first asked Jesus to come in to my heart at the age of 6. I also believe that was real and I can see now how He was beside me my whole life. My story is not necessarily a happy one and my early teenage years were full of anger. I went back and forth between not believing in God and hating Him. When I was 15 years old, God put His servant, Mary, in my life. He used her to very slowly start reminding me of who He is and how much He loves me. Over the next five years, God and I became buddies again and last Easter He called me to take our relationship to the next level and I'm so thankful that I did!

This Easter was overwhelmingly encouraging! I was constantly reminded time and time again how incredible was the sacrifice that Jesus made for me and for my brothers and sisters in Christ. Being part of my church's Easter service meant that I was preparing my heart for Easter for 5 weeks before we celebrated. I prayed for myself, for our leaders, for the people that would be in attendance, and I prayed praises! It seems so simple, but the "preparation prayers," as I call them, really brought my prayer life to a level I hadn't been to before. Never has my heart felt so vulnerable or so passionate, even with my camp ministry experiences. I think I realized through talking with people at choir rehearsals and through being part of a "cardboard testimonies" presentation just how AWESOME our God is and how very blessed we are as a body and how blessed I am as His child. I'm trying very hard to find words to explain my thoughts/feelings, but there just aren't any. This whole process just kept me really focused on Jesus' love and sacrifice and now that Easter is over, I've realized that I should be fixed on Him in the exact same way ALL year long! It's like He's saying to me, "Look how much you've grown to depend on me lately. See how safe and happy you've felt? Keep it up and I'll help you blossom. Rely on me entirely and I will not let you fall. You and I...we've got this. I love you."

This semester has seemed easy to most of the people in my life because I'm not struggling in the outward way that they are used to seeing. I will admit that this semester has been easier than others in a lot of ways, although the school part is absolute madness!  I am safe and I have everything that I need. I have more people that love me than ever before. I have met the most wonderful, encouraging, God-fearing women to help guide me. And I am so thankful to have some of the best friends a girl could ask for. We may not talk every day or even every week, but when we do hang out, it's just fantastic and I know they would be there for me in a heartbeat, as I would be for them. Cutting is not nearly the struggle that it once was; in fact, we're nearing 7 months of freedom! I think that the struggle has shifted- it's all in my head, though some might argue that it's been in my head all along. Spring is hard for so many "identifiable reasons" and finishing this semester will be the way to conquer the mental battle. And every year it brings tremendous pain and turmoil.

This April 11th will be different. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it out alive just yet, but I'm sure I'll blog about it when I do. :)

Be still,
Ashley Anne

Peace.

So, right now I am in one of my "academic marathons," which probably means I shouldn't be blogging. Things should lighten up a tad by Wednesday afternoon, but I don't want to wait that long! ;)

I pulled an all-nighter last night and I had rough classes today. Early morning rehearsal. Exams. Lots of papers due. Frustrating teachers. Frustrating classmates. You know how "those days" go. By about 3:30 pm, I had 6 classes down and one more to go, but it was canceled. I immediately felt a meltdown coming on. I've really been fighting a lot of things this semester and I was just slapped by all of it in the face at once. My first instinct was to go home and cry, but I knew that was the worst idea and what the enemy wanted me to do. My next reaction was to call somebody because I knew I had already escalated past my distraction tool box (my set of coping skills, basically). I called one of my beloved mentors, but she did not pick up. I sat there for a second but before I started thinking about someone else to call, God stepped in and calmed me down. It was a very cool moment. I went and sat outside in the sunshine on a grassy hill on campus and simply existed for a few moments. I just reveled in the peace and protection of Jesus sitting beside me, watching campus bustle on.

I got it together and went back to my little paper-writing, music-doing marathon. A little while ago, I decided to jump in the shower before heading back to the library. The moment I stepped out of the shower, I felt the same overwhelming sense of panic, fear, and doom that I had felt earlier today. (This is not a new thing...it's what I've been fighting lately, actually.) Then I heard/felt a nudge saying, "Go to My Word." So I opened up my Bible and saw a sticky note that said Psalm 63. I don't remember writing it and who knows how long it's been there. I figured that was as good a place as any to start, so I turned to Psalm 63 and found complete comfort.


"...Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you...Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. They who seek my life will be destroyed; they will go down to the depths of the earth..."

Thank you, Lord, for looking out for me. Thank you for honoring the work I'm doing in seeking you by faithfully revealing yourself. Thank you for reminding me to turn to you when I get caught up in the craziness of life. Thank you for rescuing me. Thank you for the work you're doing in transforming my heart and my life into what you have planned. Thank you for the peace you showed me today. Thank you for your love and for your ultimate sacrifice.

He is good, y'all! And He is faithful. He can bring peace like you've never felt before. Seek Him and be still. :)

Ashley Anne

Never Looking Back...

Praise the Lord for He is good and so faithful!

I have struggled with cutting for almost 8 years now. It started out small at age 14 and grew into something that consumed all of me by the time I was 16 years old. I have been trying so hard to quit for 3 years now and today I pledge to never go back. Today marks 6 months of no cutting, something I've always hoped for but I never really thought I would see. God is so good.

It has been a long journey and I'm still walking it, but it's different now. Looking back at every baby step along the way, realizing just how carefully planned every detail of the last three years has been (and, really, my whole life) just blows my mind. God never ceases to amaze me.

Things are different now because I trust in my God. He walks beside me every moment of every day. My body is a temple filled with His Holy Spirit. He is my healer. He created me and He loves me and He is faithful. He has a wonderful plan for me that I cannot even begin to predict. Thank you, Lord, for deliverance- deliverance that has, perhaps, only just begun. Thank you Lord for victory and thank you for the strength to continue fighting.

Thank you to those of you whom God has used in my life over the last few years, and the last year or so especially. I have been blessed by so many Godly women in so many different ways. So many of you come to mind, and I just hope you know that you are wonderful!

Be Still,

Ashley Anne :)

Feeling a little flat...

Lately, I've been feeling a little bit like this flat tire I got a couple of weeks ago. Okay, I'm feeling a lot flat. I am exhausted. It's not that my life is bad; my life is actually going really well, all things considered, and I am so incredibly grateful. It's just that I hardly have time to breathe these days. I have so much stinking homework and music things to do that I can't keep up with all of it, no matter how hard I try. I'm doing well with time management, I've forfeited just about every ounce of social life and relationships I had before this semester, I hardly sleep because I'm consistently pulling all-nighters, my apartment hadn't been cleaned in three weeks before this evening and that was driving me nuts! I'm in class all day three days a week and almost all day the other two days. Then homework, practicing, etc. and my classes are more challenging and more time consuming than ever. I've been traveling for music stuff, kind of brought upon myself, it's true, but they were wonderful experiences. I'm trying to succeed in school while dealing with some pretty tough mental/emotional battles and that makes focusing a lot harder sometimes. Well, I think you get the picture so I shall move on and stop obsessing.

I came across this passage in my reading. Often times I come across passages I've heard and read a hundred times, but I suddenly see it in a new light. This applies here:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

Now, when I really starting thinking about these verses I realized that I had no idea what 29-30 meant. Internet research revealed a lot of different opinions and interpretations. I have kind of settled upon this as my understanding: One type of yoke is something that binds two animals together to pull or carry the same load. I think it's called a double yoke. Perhaps in this passage, Jesus is welcoming us under His double yoke so He can be beside us, so that we will bind ourselves to Him; He's offering us support so we never have to carry a heavy load on our own, and that can certainly give rest to the weary.


Sometimes I forget that Jesus really understands feeling tired and weary. He understands hurt and struggle. Goodness, He lived life here and dealt with so much. He really can help us.

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who in every respect has been tested as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)

His strength is not like any of my own strength. His strength never fails. Never has and never will. He is constant and everlasting. And that blows my mind. :)

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:28-31)

So now I shall get back to the absolute craziness of these few weeks. I pray that God will help me to continually strive to rely on God's strength, not my own, and to trust Him to help me with my burdens. I know that He is faithful.

"My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14)

Be still,

Ashley Anne

Growing Pains and the Blessing of Family

I woke up this morning crying, which is not unusual, but this morning I knew exactly why: my family is gone.

Well, "gone" might be a little dramatic. As I'm writing, they are in the process of moving 14 hours away. It's not the end of the world, I know, and it will be good for them, I know, but that doesn't make it less painful.

I picked up on some hints over Christmas, but I've known about the "for sure" moving plans for a month now. I've cried some, I knew what was coming, but nothing could have prepared me for how it feels knowing that they are really not just a 45 minute drive away, or even a two hour drive away like it was when we first  met.

One of the awesome women in my life put it this way, "Lots of people are in college away from their families. Just pretend like you moved away from them for school. There are cars that drive to Colorado. There are planes that fly to Colorado. It's a good reason to go visit a new state."

It really shouldn't be a big deal. Life changes. Relationships change. And I know I will get over it. It's just that I didn't have 18 years with my family before I grew up and moved to college as in the scenario described above. Shoot, they're not even my real family; in fact, I'm still not really sure how I fit in there. It's a super awkward situation if you look at it from the outside. Lol! And I don't know if that makes this easier or harder.

My "mom" is really only old enough to be my big sister, but she has taught me more about being an adult than anyone. She's also taught me the most about real love. She's loved me at my very best and at my absolute worst. She's been known to smack me around when needed. A bit of tough love, if you will. I will never understand why she took a liking to me, but every day I thank God that she did. :)

Her husband is the first man I ever felt comfortable around and I think he's the only man that I will always trust to never hurt me. He's exemplified what a husband and a father should be. I respect him completely. I want to find a man like John someday.

Their parents are great. Watching such great grandparents just makes my heart glow.

I even kind of like Fender. And I don't like dogs.

And my little munchkins...it's so ironic that I think of them that way.
It's amazing just how much three precious, little hearts can change you so much.

Berkley is quite possibly the cutest child ever created. She's so happy and she just makes me smile. Before she could really talk, she would make really excited noises when she saw me. Now when she sees me and says my name, it's usually accompanied by a "hol' me." And I never want to put her down. She's ok with that unless it's time to paint nails, follow the leader, pat our babies or play dogs; I'm going to miss playing fetch with Lionel, Lola, and AJ.

Ellie is my girl! Every time I see her, she drops what she's doing and gives me a super long hug. Talk about feeling special! One of Ellie's scrunchy-nose faces makes the worst week seem like paradise. I love when we wear matching bows. We've always had some sort of special bond, though I'm still not sure why. Watching her ride her first bike recently was super cool. She's really good. I remember when she was still learning to say "wa-wa." (water)

Titan is a big boy now and I'm lucky if I get a "Hey, Ashley" between video game levels when I come over. He may not be into hello or goodbye hugs and kisses like the girls are, but I still find him sitting in my lap almost as much as the girls while we're just hanging out and playing. He's so smart and he's reading so well now. I remember when he just wanted me to sit and read to him as many books as he wanted. It wasn't so bad until he figured out that you were skipping pages during the really long books. Haha. Smart cookie.

It's going to be weird not seeing them grow up like I've had the joy of doing over the last 2 1/2 years. It's going to be different now that I don't have Berkley kisses to look forward to or Ellie stories to listen to or a math quizzing from Titan to look forward to after a bad week.

Why am I posting this? I'm not really sure.

The original post was much, MUCH longer with excessive amounts of anecdotes. There have been so many particular moments with the fam that have really stuck with me or taught me something, so this blog was kind of a reflection for me as our relationships evolve with this move.  My heart may be hurting just a bit, but "family" doesn't just dissolve through time and space. I'm going to love them just as much and I don't think those kiddos will forget me...I hope.

Right now I can thank God that I have such a sweet family now. He must be making up for my first one. ;)
He must love me a whole lot to send me a God-fearing husband and wife to model the future and the family  He wants for me. He wants me to break the cycle in which I grew up, I know that is part of His plan for me, but how would I do so if I had never seen anything different? God must love me a whole lot to give three precious gifts some extra room in their heart to love the "Ashley Anne" in their family and to teach her what love really feels like. (That's what Titan said one time...I have a mom, dad, two sisters, and an Ashley.)

And, as hard as it is, I can thank Him for loving me enough to push me into becoming more independent, in terms of the world, and more dependent on Him at the same time, while He moves my family on to the plans He has for them.

I know that this move is not about me at all, but I also know that God is powerful enough to consider everyone in every detail of His planning and this is just what the move means for me- more growing pains. I can't imagine what it's like in their shoes right now, nor do I have any clue where God is leading them, but He's in charge here and they believe that, too.

So, to my family: I'm praying that you guys have a safe trip and that you get settled in as quickly and as easily as can be expected. I love you very, very much and I miss you!! I guess this means that my NYC change jar will become a "see the family for Christmas" change jar. I've never been to CO before. :)

Ashley Anne

His compassions never fail.

This week I ended up dropping a class. I dropped the bomb on a whole day of classes on Wednesday. I quit my training for the half-marathon. This week I also rocked two exams and completed several projects. I've had a lot of productive practice time. I've had a few positive social encounters, which for me is a big deal. You win some, you lose some. I hate the "losing" days. I feel like a complete failure and eventually my mind spins out of control replaying the failures from my entire life. A lot of those failures make me feel terrible because they were definitely not made with a heart striving to glorify God. In those moments, my heart is distracted by something else. I eventually get my head on straight and try to re-focus my heart, but I stray away everyday. I don't always have catastrophic failures, but I do fail in some way everyday.

I have a "mirror verse" that I change periodically, just as something to see and ponder every morning while I'm getting ready for the day and something to reflect on as I'm getting ready for bed. Right now, the mirror verses are Lamentations 3: 21-24 (NIV):

Yet this I call to mind
   and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.” 

I just love every word in this passage.  It has been so encouraging to my heart lately.


God's mercies are new every morning. He is faithful and His love never fails. In this, I find hope and reassurance.

The other night, while I was recovering from a "losing" day, I realized that God's mercies are new every morning because He wants to provide new compassions every morning. He doesn't have to renew His mercy and love every day. He is God and He can do whatever He pleases, you know? He chooses to forgive me and love me anew on a daily basis because He knows that I need it. He knows that I am going to fail everyday. He knows that I am going to stray from Him in some way. He knows that I am only human. After all, He made me. And He chooses to be faithful -every day- even though I do not deserve it. He loves me despite my failures. And that blows my mind. :)

Therefore, it's not a failure to rely on His new mercies every day. That doesn't make me a failure as a Christian or as a person. If anything, it makes me stronger. That's what He wants from me. He wants me to realize that I need Him every day and to depend on Him and seek Him on the "winning" and the "losing" days. 

I hope that this realization will help me when I'm trying to re-fix my eyes on Jesus after feeling like a total failure. It's not a free pass to ignore God, of course, or take His love for granted, but maybe I will not be so dang hard on myself. Maybe I will stop dwelling on my mistakes, but learn from them and continue to redirect and strive to glorify God in all I do. He deserves to be glorified. After all, this life I'm living is really His, not mine.

Be Still,
Ashley Anne

An Encouraging Reminder.

Mondays are super busy, crazy days for me. Today was more stressful than usual. As I was driving home, I turned on KLRC, the local "positive difference" radio station. Music is my entire being. I love it. It is definitely my most powerful connection to God. So, every time I turn on KLRC, my heart is almost immediately lightened, my mind is cleared, and my eyes are re-fixed on Jesus. The first song I heard tonight was Chris Tomlin's "Our God." If you're not familiar with the song, you should check it out!

"Our God is greater,
Our God is stronger,
God, You are higher than any other.
Our God is healer, awesome in power...
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?"

If God is for us, and He is,
Then what could stand against? Against a God who is greater, stronger, higher, more awesome? Against His beloved children, whom He will fight for? (Romans 8:31-32, Exodus 14:14)

I guess this song was just a perfectly timed reminder of who my God is and that He's on my side. He never changes. His truth and His promises stand firm. He never leaves me stranded on my own. I may wander astray, but His love stays the same. And that blows my mind. :) (Malachi 3:6, Deuteronomy 31:6)


Be still,
Ashley Anne

Some verses to check out:
1 John 4:4
Psalm 59:16
Isaiah 41:1

"I won't let you fall..."

The spring semester is officially at full-blown pace and that pace for me is ridiculously fast. I'm in good company because the same can be said for most of the music majors I spend all day with. Let's just say my semester is booked!!!

It feels like we've been back in school forever, but it was just last week that I was receiving syllabuses and organizing my classes, trying to get a feel for the reality of what this semester looks like. By Thursday I was thinking, "Man, I am in WAY over my head here! There is absolutely no way I am going to be able to keep this pace up after a month, maybe two." Just in the first week I had already gotten into the pattern of being in class or the library or a practice room for at least 14 hours of my day, often all back to back, and my brain was fried! Thursday afternoon I had a pretty intense mental/emotional breakdown. It was awful. I thought about dropping some classes and just paying the financial consequences of being "less than full time." I thought about just quitting all together! If you've read any of my previous posts, you may know that I am trying to overcome a mental barrier about spring semesters on top of dealing with school. I just knew I was already predestined to fail. My little breakdown lasted quite a while, like 4 days. When I decided it was time to snap out of it, I started reading Psalm 37. The whole thing is wonderful, you should really check it out. :)

This really stood out to me.

"If the LORD delights in a man’s way,
   he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
   for the LORD upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37:23-24

This is my "mirror verse" right now. I always have a verse on my bathroom mirror and I change it when God is using a particular verse to work in my heart. If I am following wherever the Holy Spirit leads me, and I have no doubt that I am in the right place at this point in my life, God will make my steps firm. What a confidence boost! As I mentioned earlier, going into this semester I had this mental predisposition that there was no hope of success. Even attempting this semester was a crazy notion; it was predestined to be a catastrophe, an epic fail, if you will. This mentality made me feel very fragile and unsteady. I felt like I was always on the verge of breaking, just waiting for the moment that everything would fall apart. From here on out I hope I remember that in the Lord, I stand firm!

Obviously my little meltdown was a "stumble," and I have no doubt that I will stumble often this semester. It's going to be super tough and definitely a test of my faith, but God's got my back. He's not going to let me fall.
He wants to help me succeed in fulfilling His plan for me. He wants to hold me up, because I won't make it on my own. I've tried. 

He will not let me fall. That blows my mind.

This second week has not been easy, but it has been much better than the last. I'm already regretting spending too much time on this post, but relying on God for strength to push through the times where I am overwhelmed to tears has made all the difference and I wanted to share. :)

Be still,

Ashley Anne



More verses for encouragement:

Psalm 37:30-31 
Philipians 4:19-20
Psalm 91

Trusting in a Better Plan

I have recently spent some time reading in Jeremiah 29. If you caught my previous post, I was specifically focused on verse 11: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God revealed this to me: I am a huge planner. I meticulously plan every detail of my life; it makes me feel secure and in control. Even though I feel like my life is forever off-track, things are always rolling along according to God's even better plan.

My heart is wonderfully encouraged by this, and yet, I'm wrestling with it. Like I said, I am such a planner because it makes me feel secure; I need to be in control. However, as I mentioned last time, God's plan is not my plan. (Isaiah 55:8) If I want to follow Him and the wonderful things He has in store for me, then I've got to let go of my plans, let go of my constant need for control.

Hold up right there!! To let go of my control means I have to trust someone else enough to let them be in charge. Yikes. I have trust issues; I'll just put that out in the open. I was hurt in so many ways as a child by the people I was supposed to be able to trust and rely on more than anyone else in the world. Parents are supposed to be safe, open, and loving, but mine were not. For a long time, I didn't open up to or trust anybody or anything. It was me, myself, and I. Eventually, I started to trust people more freely, perhaps too freely. Again, I was deceived and torn down. Somehow, this betrayal hurt even more than my childhood wounds. Now I am working on knowing when and whom and how much to trust. I'm always a work in progress. :)

Through these waves of trust and mistrust, I have struggled with completely trusting God with my heart and my life, even though, logically, I knew I wanted to. God knows I'm a stubborn girl and He has proven Himself to me over and over and over again, each time coming as a reminder of His faithfulness just as I begin to sink in doubt. Yet, I still haven't given Him my entire heart...

This semester could be a landmark semester for me. I have never completed a spring semester. I fall apart mid-term and I end up dropping out. I have a theory as to why that is and this spring I am determined to overcome! But, I can't face it alone. I have failed so many times trying to succeed on my own, failure to the point of being completely shattered. God always ends up picking up the pieces and putting me back together, so why not just give Him the reigns in the first place? Rather than being intimidated by the idea of someone else being in charge of my life, I am actually finding comfort in the fact that someone much more wise than myself loves me enough to want to lead my steps. I'm exhausted from trying to do it all alone and God is saying, "Hey, I'm here. Remember me? Fall back and I'll catch you. Be still and listen to me. I will not lead you astray." (Exodus 14:14, Proverbs 3:5-6)

I give in. I am tired of fighting and I want MY shepherd to lead me. But, God, I've been such a mistrusting control freak for so long, how do I even go about giving You the control?

So I continued reading...

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:12-14a

This logical brain of mine could not have asked for more clear instructions:
Come to me and pray to me. Seek me with all your heart.

I have a mentor who tells me on a daily basis, "Pray about it. God wants you to go to Him." I do it, but I am often just going through the motions. I'm not really praying from my heart because somewhere in the back of my mind I am thinking, "Why am I doing this? God doesn't really hear me. And even if I do trust Him, I can't be fixed...again."

But this broken heart of mine could not have asked for more comforting promises.
I will listen to you.
I will be found by you.
I will bring you back from captivity.

Trust is not something that develops overnight. It takes time to trust someone with your heart. It takes a relationship to trust someone enough to let them lead your life. I thank God every day that He never gives up on me in my moments of weakness. I'm so thankful that He knows the desire I have to know Him in my heart and that He is continually revealing Himself to me.  I pray that when I start to doubt His instructions to call upon Him and seek Him wholeheartedly, I will remember that He wants to listen to me. He wants to be found by me. He wants to bring me back from captivity. He loves me that much. He knows that I will stumble, He knows that I will doubt, but He is faithful. And through this, I'm learning to trust in His better plan.

Be Still,
Ashley Anne

More verses for encouragement:
Job 42:2
Proverbs 19:21

Teaching or Learning a Lesson?

Not too long ago, I was asked to teach the Bible lesson for a youth ministry I volunteer with. I was really nervous because I had never done anything like that before. I am great with one-on-one or even one-on-few investment, but teaching the whole group was way out of my comfort zone.

When I was given the memory verse to teach, I just wanted to die. It was Jeremiah 29:11- one of the first verses I learned as a Christian, a verse I have consistently relied on for encouragement and read a hundred times, a verse I have often pulled out of my memory bank in various situations, a verse plastered all over Pinterest, a verse that so many people can recite....

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

How on earth was I going to teach this one to little kids? There are so many big words! So I started to pray. I decided to break it down the best way I knew how and I wrote out a lesson plan. When I finished and looked at it, my only thought was, "Oh boy..." For the 36 hours between finishing the lesson plan and the actual talk, I tried to stop freaking out about saying the right things and about what the other volunteers would think of me. My prayer became, "Lord, let it be You standing in front of those girls and not me. Let it be Your words and not my own."

When the time came, I pretty much freaked out. I'm fairly certain I said, "God has a special plan just for you," about twenty times in five minutes and babbled in between. Now, I believe God is faithful, and I sincerely hope that the girls got something out of that lesson. Perhaps one of them needed to hear about a special plan twenty times. I may never know.

I do know that it was no mistake that I was given this passage to teach on.

I am a huge planner and I always have been. I write out elaborate hour-by-hour plans for my week. Taking the thirty minutes to do so on Saturday night makes me feel  better, more in control. The thing is, not much on my detailed hour-by-hour schedule actually goes according to plan and I often find myself in a tizzy about mid-week. The awesome not-so-secret that God decided to let me in on is that He has already planned every hour of my life! And that totally blows my mind. Every hour He has planned is a precious gift. While keeping myself organized is good, I can't let my world shatter when God takes me in a direction I didn't expect. After all,

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
Isaiah 55:8

The other thing I realized is that God's plans are way better than mine will ever be, no matter how meticulously I plan! His plans are good plans full of hope, safety, prosperity and love. Just as Jeremiah 29:11 says.

Funny how God can take such a familiar verse and open your eyes to something new. He is good.

Just a Little Praise...

Several weeks ago, it hit me...I am really an adult. I don't know why it took me until age 21 to realize this, but it did. This last semester of school was incredibly life changing. It was a super rough start, but it ended up being better than I ever could have expected. I couldn't have done it without an awesome support system and, of course, the love and strength of our Almighty God!

Today, I started feeling like a fairly responsible adult. It's kind of a "I'm free" feeling. I am living on my own. I am staying on top of my own finances and budgeting responsibly. I am strategically planning my errands and daily activities to save gas. (This is a new one and kinda what made me start thinking today.)
I am taking care of my health conditions (nothing serious...no worries) and coinciding with that I am eating well and exercising regularly. I encourage everyone to do this...it may be hard at first, but if you keep at it, it will change your world in so many ways! I have this verse on the inside of my gym locker and it always helps me keep at it.

     "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received
      from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
          -1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I'm straying from my point...

I am growing in my walk with the Lord.
I am building healthier relationships here on earth.
I am so blessed to be working with young girls and to be one of Jesus' vessels in their lives.
I am studying what I love and I am finally succeeding at it!

My first thoughts when I came to this epiphany today were all about me. "Wow, I'm actually doing this! I have had so much heartbreak and so many setbacks. Nobody thought I could do it, look at me now!"

Then God gently kicked me in the booty, as He often does, and when I got home, I opened my Bible and in front of me was the story of David destroying the Amalekites.

     "When David and his men came to Ziklag, they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and sons and
       daughters taken captive. So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep.

       David's two wives had been captured- Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal and Carmel.
       David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit
       because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the LORD his God."
          - 1 Samuel 30:3-6 (NIV)

To be honest, after reading some more and doing some minor research, I still don't understand the history behind these battles; perhaps it's something I should study more. I do know that through it all, David went through his own trials and heartbreak, but he found his strength in the Lord.

Then the second epiphany came. I am absolutely nothing without God. Over the last couple years, I have gone through the lowest points of my life thus far. Like David, I was at the point where I was not strong enough to even keep weeping. I did not become this "fairly responsible adult" by my own strength; I have only accomplished these things through relying on God. And I just can't thank Him enough!! (John 15:5)

If you are to a point of total depair, I encourage you to take it all to the Lord. If you're like me, that's a scary thought. I know...I've been there. And who's to say I'll never be there again? I'm the queen of self-sabotage. ;) Go before Him and be still; He will listen and He will answer according to His plan...He is mighty and wonderful and He wants to take care of you. He loves you more than any of us can comprehend here on earth. That's what this blog is all about. :)

If you are in a wonderful free-feeling place, take a moment and praise God today!! It's all Him and to Him be all the glory!!!

Ashley Anne

More verses for encouragement:
    Nehemiah 8:10
    Psalm 105:4
    Isaiah 41:10
    Philippians 4:13
    Psalm 73:26

The Lord is MY shepherd...

Another New Year's post. :)

The material for this blog comes from a service at Fellowship Bible Church on New Year's Day. You know how church is always good, but sometimes the message really strikes a chord with you? That's what happened today.

I know that there is a wonderful God and I know that through prayer and study I'm building a relationship with Him. There have most definitely been moments where God has clearly shown Himself to me and I've felt the connection. There have been countless times that He has proven to me His faithfulness. And, yet, I still had this idea that God was this huge God up in the sky that came to save the whole world. I think of the song from Sunday school, "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world..."

He did come for the world, but He also came just for me. And He came just for you, too. As Sam talks about in this sermon, the first five words of Psalm 23 are powerful and insightful: "The Lord is my shepherd..."  These words seem so gentle and so welcoming to me. God is a wonderful shepherd calling in His little sheep that need guidance to survive. I really focused on the word "my."  I realized that God wants to have a very personal relationship with every one of His followers. Jeremiah 29:12 says, "Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you." God's word is full of promises and He promises to listen to us. My heart matters to Him. And that blows my mind.

The end of that same children's song goes, "They are precious in His sight, oh Jesus loves the children of the world." We are precious in His sight. I am precious. You are precious. Your daughter is precious. Your next door neighbor is precious. Your co-worker is precious. You get the idea....

 I encourage you to go listen to the podcast of this sermon because it's just wonderful.
Link to Fellowship Sunday morning audio

Be Still: A New Year's Resolution

I am forever on the go, especially when class is in session. I'm a music education major and it's SUPER time consuming. I pray between classes, I pray before tests, but I'm always on the move and not really focusing on my walk with God. I'll admit, I skip my daily quiet time a lot for some extra sleep. When I get stuck in this crazy busy rut, I feel unsatisfied.

This winter break, I have had the awesome opportunity to really spend time in the Word, work on honestly praying from my heart, and really just sit before the Lord. I don't think I have ever done that before. Just sit and be still and listen. Keep my motor mouth shut for a change.

I didn't just pull this new mind set out of thin air. It was totally God's hand at work in my heart. The following verses came up in my life, repeatedly. I read them during some of my quiet time. One of them showed up in my morning devo. One of them I read on a friend's post on facebook. You get the point. God is so good to drive the point home; He must know I have a hard head. 

Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
   "Be still and know that I am God..."
Exodus 14:14 (NIV)
   "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."

The cool thing is that these are verses I had learned and stored in my memory bank, but never really payed much attention to. Now showing me them in a different light, God is saying do it. Obey. Seek him. Be still.